Congratulations everybody, we made it to Friday! But, most importantly, we also made it to payday. It's just a shame we're already skint.
Here's how we've already spent out hard-earned dosh...
09 Scratch cards
Yes! Three matching purple starfish holding sacks of cash! What does that mean? Oh right, it means they’re repossessing your home, your car and your last remaining clean pants because you’ve spent your entire monthly salary on the shiny, cash-sapping cards. No, but seriously, if you just lend us another quid we’ll definitely win it all back on the next one…
For the first four days of the working week you make your own lunch, avoid alcohol and are generally tighter than a Communist accountant. Then Friday comes and all good intentions go out of the window. A three-hour boozy lunch at that fancy gastropub? Why not. After-work round on you? Sure. £35 taxi home? Fuck it, it’s Friday.
You can, of course, mooch around amazon.co.uk, filling up your basket without ever actually buying anything. A few days later, you can pile yet more shit in there, then once again skedaddle without spending a penny. It’s all harmless fun… until one evening you come home, stick on your computer and drunkenly click on ‘Proceed to checkout’ – emptying both your vast basket and half your bank account.
06 New clobber
Uh-oh – your mates all suddenly look significantly less shabby than they did a week ago. The reason? They’ve just spunked hefty chunks of their wages on new clobber – which means now you’re gonna do the same, because nobody wants to be the scruffy one out. And so the cycle continues… Look, shall we all just agree to not buy any new clothes for two years? Yes, we’ll look crap, but we’ll be as rich as pirates!
05 Pub machines
It doesn’t matter that your chances of beating Noel at Deal Or No Deal are about the same as your chances of going home with that sexy barmaid – it costs 50p and someone’s got to beat the banker. Cue an evening spent jabbing a furious finger at Chris Tarrant and drinking tap water until closing time because you changed your last £20 note for Cluedo money.
Hangovers do all sorts of funny things – they give you the squits, the fear, and a heart that feels like it’s going to explode all over you bedroom. Hell, they’ve even been known to convince you that Lorraine Kelly’s actually quite fit. But the worst thing about hangovers is that they cause you to disregard the value of money entirely, making a £42 takeaway appear to be exceedingly good value for money.
03 Paying by card in pubs
The world was simpler when your parents were your age. You’d leave the house with £30 in your pocket, safe in the knowledge that when that was spent, you’d have no choice but to return home to your comfy bed mildly tipsy. Now, thanks to every pub having a card machine, you’re confronted the next morning by that heart-sinking feeling when you empty your pockets to find six receipts – including one for 13 Jagermeisters – that you have no memory of whatsoever.
02 Final demands
Nobody pays their bills immediately – that’s for idiots. You wait until the gas/electricity/telly/council-tax people send you a final, final, final demand printed in red ink, on red paper, in a red envelope, and then you pay them. Sadly these final demands tend to arrive in threes, like buses. Massively expensive buses, driven by wankers.
“Hold on a minute… a match-day programme from Wolverhampton Wanderers’ 2006 encounter with Aston Villa, signed by Wolves legend Steve Bull – and only £19.95! Well, youd have to be a fool to pass up that sort of value. I may be broke, but a bargain is a bargain.”