10/ Go round to confront the neIghbours
When you’re there on your own you respect that a man’s home is his castle and he could be sawing up a rent boy while drilling for oil and it wouldn’t bother you. But the second you’ve got a woman round at your place, the sound of him running a bath sees you bounding round there in your underpants to thump on his front door and remind him who really runs things in this building. It also sees you half an hour later sheepishly accepting a police caution for ‘menacing behaviour with a rolling pin’ and nursing a black eye that the old codger gave you.
9/ Work out
Obviously, she doesn’t want to be going out with someone who wheezes when he boards a bus and has been officially designated an office fire hazard by HR. But equally, your annual fitness drive – with its constant sleepiness, endless mixing up of protein shakes, an enormous lumpy neck and ill-advised, deep V-neck T-shirts – might not be turning her on quite as much as you hope. Or even ‘at all’.
If it wasn’t for the dangled carrot of sexual intercourse, would you ever buy anything? New clothes, grooming products, books, nice things for your flat... your bollocks are basically the only thing driving the economy and keeping Britain from a full-blown depression. Remove them from the equation and everyone apart from breweries, computer games companies and Sky TV might as well file for bankruptcy.
7/ Claim to fInd unattractIve women attractIve
“So who do you fancy then?” is such a simple, apparently hypothetical, but utterly loaded question from a woman. Rather than being honest – “Some barely legal porn star who you’ve never heard of” – inevitably you end up playing it safe and claiming implausibly that what really gets you going is someone with a great sense of humour, a winning smile and ‘a few curves in all the right places’. Peter Kay, then.
6/ ExperIment wIth headwear
Rooted in some deranged peacocking instinct and always suggested by those ‘pull any woman in three minutes’ rapists’ charters as a great way to start a conversation. Presumably if you don’t mind the conversation being about you looking like a market trader (beanie), heroin addict (trilby) or patient in advanced stages of chemo (baseball cap).
FHM hasn't evolved to this level of headgear yet, but sometime soon...
An attempt to reconnect with your primal, physical self and telegraph the message that you’re an easy-going libertine who’ll be an absolute beast in the sack. Or, as it showed up in the photos, a sunburned westerner jumping in the air with two depressed Masai warriors while the hotel staff clears away the ‘all you can eat’ buffet in the background.
4/ Attempt DIY
Left to your own devices, you’d comfortably live in a corrugated shack. But the minute a woman hoves into view you’re eagerly drilling into cables, pulling up floorboards and hammering at walls like Fred West on a Bank Holiday. Because women always want to tap off with brawny self-sufficient types... which is why they always end up getting off with the bloke you had to pay to come round to stop your ceiling from collapsing.
3/ Lord it over subordinates at work
Admittedly, we do live in a culture where foul-mannered arseholes seem to prosper – or at least get given their own TV series – so you might as well join in and pull rank on anyone who’s on a lower pay grade than you. (NB: FHM is in no way legally responsible when you get sparked out at 11am by the disabled woman from the post room.)
2/ TrIm your pubes
Well, it’s certainly not for your benefit. Unless you’re the kind of sick bastard who gets off on almost slicing your nadbag open and then feeling all prickly and strangely cold ‘down below’ for the next two days.
1/ Clean your towels
Done with all the disgruntled bad humour you’d normally associate with Dwight Yorke forking out his child support money, and interspersed with you grouching about how ‘they’re not that dirty’ and ‘birds are so bloody fussy’. And yet, a minute into the washing machine’s boil wash cycle and the water’s turned black, it smells like someone’s burning an animal carcass and a ghost’s just flown out of the overflow pipe.