After four years of waiting, twiddling your thumbs and playing Championship Manager right the way up to season 2086, the World Cup is finally hear to quench your football thirst and fill the Premiership void.

Which is brilliant if you're a pundit-esque expert but what about those people that drop bricks at the thought of being caught into a footballing conversation?

Here are ten ways to bullshit that you care and walk away leaving people staring at you like you're a footballing god.


01  ‘I tell you what, the decider here might just be the humidity/latitude.’

If you know anything about the geography of Brazil or South America or even just know a few fancy geography words like ‘humidity’, ‘latitude’ or ‘climate’, steer the conversation that way. Do try and steer clear of blaming anything on jet lag though.


02  ‘A non-South American team has never won a South American World Cup.’

Learning a few stats about the tournament or just World Cups generally is the best way of making it seem like you’re contributing an informed opinion on the matter when in fact you’re doing the sporting equivalent of reading cue cards on a date.


03  ‘Roundest ball ever, my arse!’ 

Every two years, Adidas advertise their latest tournament ball as the greatest feat of sporting engineering since the death of the 70s brought us length-appropriate shorts. Footie fans don’t like change. Neither do you.


04  ‘I’d slap Sepp Blatter until my own hand started weeping.’

The only man who hates change more than footie fans is Sepp Blatter. Resisting goal line technology or any reform of the current gaffe-ridden refereeing system, Blatter is the pantomime villain for everyone from your Pilsner-swilling Bundesliga fan, to the lager-pounding, Premier League faithful.


05  ‘I think Neymar is overrated.’

Anybody touted as the next greatest footballer undoubtedly attracts public hate. Neymar is not only billed to be the next Ronaldo, but he seems to believe his own hype too.

He is Brazilian, plays for Barca and has so much flair he might as well be solar. At the age of 22, the world is his oyster. You have every reason to knock him down a peg or two, whilst you sit in your boozy bar-side throne of your local 'Spoons.


06  ‘I hope Bosnia do well this tournament. It would be so uniting for the whole country.’

Go for the double whammy! Politics and football checked with one quick remark. Support one of the minnows in dire political straits and odds are nobody will pick an argument with you because… well, how often do you watch a game with NATO Analysts?


07  ‘You've got to be putting those away.’

Every single time anybody takes a shot and misses the goal or gracefully floats into the keepers arms, simply utter the above line in your deepest, most dulcet tone. Spoken with a world weariness of a man that has spent a lifetime following his country only to never see them further than the semis.

Sure, on analysis it makes about as much sense as saying: 'The winners will really be the ones that score the most goals,' but your fellow footy fans will never let on and rush to agree with your oracle-like wisdom.


08  ‘Adrian Chiles is the worst!’

You don’t need to add anything more after. In fact, you won’t be able to. Anybody who follows Champions League despises Adrian Chiles, even Roy Keane and he shares a studio with him.

Obviously you don't really hate him and he's relatively harmless in the grand scheme of things but when in doubt, always give a football fanatic a reason to have a rant about the Brummie presenter. 


09  ‘It all boils down to a mix of youth and experience.’

Along with ‘It’s a transition World Cup’, this may be the phrase of the summer. It means nothing. You’d be hard pressed to find any circumstance under which assembling a group was not a case of mixing youth and experience. Either way, it seems to be the case with England at the moment, so join the bandwagon.


10  ‘If only we had Emile Heskey.’

Those were the days! The time where England's goldenboy Michael Owen would regularly begin to falter in the final third at which Heskey would get a cue card from the Gods and start to shine like morning dew on a meadow.

Even if England isn’t playing, any gushing about Heskey being one of the sport’s most tactically underrated strikers is welcome. Just look at the way he would hold up defenders and take none of the credit. What a hero.


Words by Damien Sharkov