13 Mistake fox calls for murder
You creep out the door wearing threadbare pjs, cricket bat in hand, your girlfriend ushering you on from the safety of the kitchen. “You’re my hero.” Oh, it was only a fox. And you’ve just trodden her fluffy slippers right through its shit. “You’re a bloody berk.” Oh well, you live by the sword…
12 Swing by your dealer
The man who you were introduced to in the toilets of the pub that always has two dogs shagging on the roof. The man whose business card is inscribed with ‘The Party Never Stops’. The man who you’ve only ever said, “Safe, yeah?” to despite the fact you read The Guardian and are seriously considering going on a wine tasting holiday. The man who you’d cross the road to avoid in the cold light of day.
11 Pretend you’re harder than you are
Yeah! Big guy! Got your hood up and your swagger on. No one’s going to mess with you. Especially not when you’ve been hiding in a toilet cubicle for ten minutes praying the group of teenagers that have just come in don’t see your feet or smell your fear.
10 Consider prostitution
You’re a red-blooded male with three pints inside you and you need some straightforward sensation. Forget the feminists – it’s the most natural thing money can buy. Forget about how many prostitutes are tricked and trapped into working. You are going to walk up and own this street for 20 minutes before going home and donating £80 to Women’s Aid while avoiding your own reflection.
9 Forget where you live
“Please don’t call the police, sir. I genuinely mistook your daughter for my girlfriend and was just trying to slink into bed without waking her. Yes, the ventilator should have alerted me to my mistake, but in my defence I think your mother smiled before pulling the alarm.”
8 Classify KFC ‘the healthy option’
Come on, you need something to soak up the booze. It’ll help your hangover. And it’s better for you than a kebab. “Two Zinger Towers, three Crispy Strips and large fries, please! Go large? Well I know I shouldn’t but it’s almost a 15 minute walk home. It’ll stop me standing in the kitchen eating eight folded up slices of bread.”
7 Pretend you’re a giant, because of the long shadow you get from streetlights
Narrating your own footsteps, booming in a deep voice at alley cats: “I’m BFG, the Bad Fucking Giant, better run now Professor Mittens.” Yeah, you’d make an awesome giant. Whoops, the security light from that bungalow has come on, better scarper before they call the police again.
6 Wee in the garden
You are the master of all you survey and you will damn well micturate on these plants. It is your right as a British citizen. And so is spinning round like a sprinkler and writing your initials on the fence like some sort of perverted, watersports-obsessed Banksy.
5 Convince yourself any phone call after 10pm is the police
They’re definitely phoning to tell you your brother’s died. Or your dad’s gone on a murderous rampage. Or your mum’s exploded. No, it’s your girlfriend, slurring that she’d like you to pick her up. She’s not sure where she is but she can see some boats and it smells a bit like sick.
4 Watch TV with the sign language lady
Well, it’s company isn’t it? And sometimes you can switch off the sound and pretend she’s trapped inside the telly, waving at you to let her out and free her from a purgatory of describing pottery documentaries to the lonely. But you never will.
3 Readying your keys to fight off muggers on the walk home from Spar
You’ve solved the HobNobs craving, but during the ravenous waddle out of the house you didn’t notice it’s pitch black! Remember Mr Davis had that copper piping nicked from his van just last year – better load up the old Timpson in your fist, plus there’s that Chester Zoo bottle opener, in case things get really ugly.
2 Deliberate over whether or not to go to the toilet
You wake in the middle of the night with the insistent fist of urine beating at the walls of your bladder. Usually you’d just toddle off to the bathroom, but you’re so cosy. Surely you can just drop back to sleep and go in the morning? Or just lie there grimacing for an hour until you’re forced to go when you sneeze and a bit creeps out.
1 Driving too fast and leaving your full beams on
What is wrong with people, why can’t they drive? Almost 50 people have flashed you now and you haven’t passed a single accident, flood or injured duckling. What are they playing at? And why do they drive so painfully slow? Everyone knows if you drive fast enough at night the police can’t see you.