Versace have gone and done what Versace do best and released a shockingly expensive T-Shirt for the World Cup that costs £410. And it’s fucking horrible.
Here are five places that it would be (sort of) acceptable to wear it...
01 A Carlos Santana concert
The only way that this T-Shirt could be any more Santana would be if it was made out of his skin. It’s essentially a citrus-tinged version of his Supernatural album cover.
If you wore this to a Santana concert, they’d probably ask you to join the band on the djembe. Without a doubt, the only place in the world that you would stand even half a chance of getting laid by wearing this obscenity.
02 A really fancy restaurant
Combat any fears of food spillage with the knowledge that anything that drips from your fork onto your midriff will be lost forever in the vertigo-inducing car crash on your abdomen.
Bonus points for having a smug moment when they initially won’t let you in because you look like the collective vomit of every single hippy at Woodstock, before you casually flash them the £410 price tag.
03 A Hunter S Thompson-themed fancy dress party
Everyone’s wearing a shorts and safari get-up, absolutely tripping balls on mescaline and they’re reaching a hallucigenic peak at that exact moment you unzip your jacket and give them a trip they’ll never forget.
The last thing they’ll remember is the Medusa emblem stepping out of your chest and making people think they’re living statues for six hours.
04 A party at Kanye West’s house
Kim’s dancing on the coffee table trying to snap a belfie in the mirrored ceiling, Kanye’s parading around in leather sweat pants and some kind of garish jacket with wings.
You walk in dressed like an acid nightmare and all hell breaks loose. Kanye has you removed from the party for stealing the idea that he once had (in a dream) to create the brightest t-shirt known to man.
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05 On a spaceship that’s on a one-way collision mission with the sun
We’re genuinely not sure what would melt first, the T-Shirt or the sun when it finds itself in a battle of the brightness before eventually collapsing in on itself and making a roaring noise like the dying baddie robot in Robocop.
Words by Jordan Waller, follow him on Twitter, yeah? @JordanWaller