The holiday wingman that’s more important than your passport

Posted by , 16 September 2013

Last minute, sun chasing holiday anyone? Just don't be one of these guys....

Last minute, sun chasing holiday anyone? Just don't be one of these guys....

  • #09

    How to close the deal with a hot surf girl

  • Introduction
  • #07

    How to build your perfect holiday crew

Rainy day blues? Dodge the downpour for the last few days of 'summer' with a last min holiday. Just don't end up like one of these guys.

Here's the 8 blokes you always see, but don't want to be at the beach...


08  Mr Gymbuff


He’s been putting in two-hour sessions at Fitness First every day for a month, and he’s going to keep his top off long after the temperature’s dropped into nipple-stiffening territory.

07  Mr Hangoverrggh

He awoke – parched, fully clothed, sweat-soaked – at 2pm, utterly destroyed by a hangover. Scrabbling into a pair of shorts, he headed to the beach to soothe his pain. Unfortunately, now  he’s there, the sun feels like a death ray, the crashing waves seem louder than fighter jets, and the laughter of frolicking children is like acid burning through his ears.

06 Mr Lifeguard

Look at him, up in his giant wooden chair, like some kind of lecherous, buff toddler. See how he smirkily slides his sunnies down his nose as he flirts with the bikini babes who’ve gathered beneath him. You do realise that if your girlfriend starts to drown, and Mr Lifeguard rescues her, and gives her the kiss of life, she’s going to fall in love with him? You know that, right? 

05 Mr Pervypants

On a beach filled with topless fitties bronzing their oiled-up bodies, you’d have to be dead from the waist down not to steal the odd guilty glance. But there’s a world of difference between a quick sneaky peek from behind sunglasses and perching there with a sandy semi ?as you mentally record every busty moment...

04 Mr Lost

Mr Lost’s appearance suggests he’s just been teleported on to the beach following a mad science experiment gone wrong. Dressed in clothes inappropriate for both weather and location, he looks simultaneously confused and desperate to stay inconspicuous. If you speak to him, he'll probablyl grab you by the shoulders and yell, “Who’s the president? What year is this?”

03 Mr Crimson

There’s one on every beach: the guy who clearly fell asleep several hours ago, having failed to apply sufficient suntan lotion. Predictably, his blistering skin has now turned angry scarlet. Shouldn’t someone wake him up? Maybe you should wake him up? Nah, someone else will wake him up. (Nobody’s going to wake him up.)

02 Mr Frisbee

Everyone enjoys a half-arsed beach sport – it can get a little boring out there without something to idly chuck about. Mr Frisbee, however, has lost all sense of perspective, and believes that this is ?A Serious Sporting Event. He’s sprinting, yelling, crashing into kids’ sandcastles, stomping over sunbathers’ backs... Nobody’s even keeping score, you loon.

01 Mr Well-Prepared

Handheld electric fan? Check. Cooler filled with beers? Check. Visor, beach towel, inflatable ring, mosquito cream, iPod dock, spare tee and a bottle of after-sun? Check. If he’s your mate, Mr Prepared is an absolute godsend; if you’re enviously watching him from the other side of the beach, he’s an absolute wanker of a bastard.

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