1/ Receiving a payslip
Its monthly frequency doesn’t diminish the buzz of accomplishment you get when your payslip drops on your desk. The warm glow has also prevented you properly reading it and noticing that you’ve been paying tax at the ’70s ‘Supertax’ level for the last three years due to
absent-mindedly ticking the wrong box when you started working there.
2/ Seeing anyone female topless on a beach
Even if they look like Andy Fordham, or if they’re a chain-smoking middle-aged French racist, your tit-furnace mind can never have enough fuel fed into it. You’re like a voyeuristic Large Hadron Collider.
3/ Finding five pounds in a jacket
No matter how trifling a sum that might be these days, unearthing a bit of paper money you’d forgotten about is still a bit of ‘pocket alchemy’ that sets you up for the rest of the day. The idea that there might be more of it just lurking down in your wardrobe waiting to be found gives you an idea of how those oil-digging pioneers in There Will Be Blood must have felt. If the New World’s entire oil reserves were worth the equivalent of one-and-a-half pints.
4/ Rearranging your plums
Right hand down under your belt, to underside of left plum, peel scrote away from inner thigh like it was a slice of wafer-thin ham, pull whole sac up and forwards and… drop back into place with a satisfying ‘thwack’. 1.3 seconds. Textbook.
5/ Warm pants straight from the tumble dryer
The growl you emit as the warm fabric toasts your buttocks might give the impression that you’ve just been liberated from some Siberian gulag (rather than living in a thickly carpeted flat where the central heating’s constantly up so high that you could grow bananas in the lounge). And if they’ve shrunk slightly in the drying process to ensure extra snugness? :-)
6/ Ludicrous lyrical boasts by rappers
Whether it’s Tinie Tempah explaining how his surfeit of clothes necessitates the use of his aunt’s wardrobe, or Kool G Rap’s anatomically unlikely depiction of how chicks are “on his dick” like a “human shish kebab”, rappers inhabit a strange Shangri-La where bullshitting like Jay from The Inbetweeners gets you loads of money and success. Rather than an appointment with HR.
7/ Winning an auction on ebay
Your mixture of eagle-eyed vigilance, pure strategy and iron nerve pays off at 2.30am on a Monday morning as you win that second-hand crossbow – that you’ve been eyeing up for a week – at less than a quarter of its shop value. Finally, let the name of ‘Norfolkunabomber101’ take its rightful place in the pantheon of business titans alongside Alan Sugar, Donald Trump and Bernie Madoff… before you notice the seller’s added on £40 for postage.
8/ Evacuating a really enormous meal
A ‘morning after’ experience so transcendentally blissful that a 17th century Japanese haiku was devoted to it: “Thighs rest on warm seat/Auto Trader open/One flush will not suffice.”
9/ Delivering a genuinely well-received Tweet
Usually you’re virtually stalking comic titans like Charlie Brooker and Graham Linehan, trying to get them to acknowledge your ‘spotaneous’ bon mots with all the dignity of Alex Reid sorrowfully addressing Jordan via the cover of Now magazine. So the odd occasion when something you say gets re-tweeted you can enjoy the achievement. Even if it has now seen you branded “Nick Griffin’s boyfriend” by a load of complete strangers who didn’t quite ‘get’ your sarcasm.