9 Taking off a jumper
It’s summer. Your skin’s practically bubbling, it’s so hot. But in attempting to undress, your jumper’s suddenly developed a mind of its own, dragging your shirt up your chest with it – leaving you doing your best impression of a knitted pretzel doing a sexless version of the lambada. And forcing the rest of the people around to pull off impressions of Munch’s The Scream in sheer disgust at the size of your nipples.
8 Sexy dancing
You are in, as that uniquely faced one in JLS may call it in one of their songs, ‘The Club’. That girl over there’s definitely giving you the come on with her hair flicks, hip wiggles and excessive batting of her long Snuffleupagus eyelids. You must respond with your own most alluring gyrations. Cue you violently hip-thrusting your way across the floor like your penis
is a shotgun while biting your bottom lip. Then, having sadly misread the signs, forlornly doing the Caterpillar in the opposite direction.
7 Counting coins out of a wallet
You could be buying a samurai sword or a nuclear weapon – it doesn’t matter. Irrespective of the gravity of the object, the moment you start gingerly picking coins out of anywhere other than your front pocket you’re imbued with all the masculinity of a granny at a little girl’s ‘princess party’. Although those small 5p coins do make your hands look like a giant’s…
6 Trying to get the vacuum cleaner back in the cupboard
There must be something terrible living in the cupboard under the stairs (those pictures of your ex-girlfriend who suddenly developed a really massive face notwithstanding). Because, having taken out Henry the Hoover to do a rare spot of cleaning, the bastard now has no intention of going back ‘inside’ again. So much so that its unwieldiness has forced you to pull off an am-dram impression of ‘Spider-Man battling Doctor Octopus’. Best to just leave it out, eh? And trip over it repeatedly in the dark for the following month.
5 Using a hands-free headset
Are you a member of the Secret Service tasked with protecting the President of the USA? Are you chasing an Eastern European hitman through a construction site? Are you doing an outside broadcast on CNN? No, you’re stood in the newsagents, apparently shouting at the confectionery. No, not at all, mate. You look great!
4 Playing Xbox Kinect
In your head, you’re dribbling, passing and flicking that imaginary ball around with all the power and grace of Zidane. In reality, you look like someone having a seizure in a controlled environment.
3 Using self-service checkouts
“Please place the item in the…” “I’VE JUST DONE IT! ’SCUSE ME, ’SCUSE ME, THIS MACHINE’S NOT WORKING…JESUS! I ONLY WANT TO BUY A FUNNY FOOT ICE CREAM!” You know those occasional fantasies you have about how you would have survived in the trenches of Ypres, simply by dint of your strength of character? Hmm…
2 Eating a muffin
Do you go in through the top like a pig snuffling for truffles? Or peel the wrapper off super-carefully, in the manner you might chop the green wire to save an orphanage from imploding? Whichever, in 30 seconds you will be covered in crumbs, liberated blueberries and the last vestiges of your dignity. Before being 500 calories heavier and realising that Starbucks has tricked you into believing blueberry muffins are more fun than they are.
1 Wearing nothing but socks
The dream: Don Johnson in Miami Vice, with bouffant hair, rolled-up sleeves, ice-white Ricky Martin jeans and just a bit of your ankle showing as you crouch down at the beach end of a pier to draw a pistol on a fleeing criminal; the epitome of cool ’80s kitsch. The reality: bare, heavily sweating feet smeared in shoe dye and, after ten steps forward, insoles that reek like a rotting cadaver. Because worrying about blue-dyed big toes: that’s just how Crocket rolled, right?