Because sometimes you need a legitimate excuse for staying in the pub all day...
09 Build "snow-things"
On a normal day you find it hard to cobble together a bookshelf from Ikea without hammering a nail into your thumb. But when it snows, you suddenly feel capable of building pretty much anything out of the white stuff. The entire cast of The Hobbit, the Large Hadron Collider or, what the hell, a giant penis.
08 Bake stuff
You’ve watched daytime TV to the point where your eyelids no longer work. The walls are closing in and being housebound has led you to playing Solitaire with actual, real cards. What’s a man to do? Take everything from the back of the cupboard and produce the manliest of cakes, that’s what.
It might end up more like an unloved sandcastle than a cake, but it’s the closest thing to being a mad scientist in the confines of your toasty abode.
07 Stay in the pub all day
What could be more inviting on a frosty mid-winter’s day than a warm public house? True, it’s only just turned 11am and you’re in the pub before the landlord has had a chance to turn the fruities on, but a pint of hearty ale could be just the thing to help pass some time and warm your cockles.
Feel the judgmental barman eyeing you up suspiciously? Don’t panic, just order a Baileys – that’s basically like a glass of milk anyway. Lovely, boozy milk.
06 Melt ice with your wee
Look! Look how powerful your pee is! It’s like fire, melting away all that pathetic snow! You belong in Game Of Thrones with your big, powerful dragon-breath-wee, steaming like a boiled kettle, melting holes in snow and cracking ice like glass. You’re a warrior. A warrior! Until you try to write your own name, and run out of urine on the third letter, that is.
05 Have fully clothed sex
You’re lying in bed, you’re getting a bit frisky, but you know once the duvet starts to peel back, you’re going to freeze. Kill two birds with one stone by dressing up like sexy Eskimos – not only will you stay warm, but you’ll also be able to tick the role-play box. They’ve got 17 words for snow, so there’s got to be a whole bunch for "blow job" too, right?
When it’s Arctic outside, man must go to whatever lengths necessary to keep insulated, be that wrapping up in blankets, cranking the central heating up to 30 degrees, or MULLING THE CRAP OUT OF ANY LIQUID IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Out of wine? Don’t fret: it’s a little-known fact that you can mull anything as long as it’s alcoholic. Mulled Malibu and Coke, anyone?
03 Be the little spoon
It’s payback time. For 11 months of the year, she has the pleasure of being wrapped in your manly embrace (at least until the awkward spooning-arm goes numb). Now, it’s time for her to repay the favour and cradle you in those safe, safe arms. You’re only in your boxers and she’s wearing so many layers in bed that it’s no longer possible to put your arm round her anyway.
02 Turn up to work three hours late
It’s a well-known fact that whenever it snows in Britain, the country grinds to a halt. Trains are cancelled, schools close and airports shut down. The effect this has on the average workplace is roughly equivalent to that of a zombie nuclear apocalypse.
Eight out of 10 people will simply disappear, presumed caught in a snow drift or killed by polar bears, while those who make it in will spend the entire day avoiding work by sharing stories about snowy traffic jams and how the rest of their colleagues are lazy, skiving liars.
01 Have your hands down your trousers a lot
Standing in a public place, hopping up and down with your hands between your legs, elbow deep in your own undies, is frowned upon by most law-abiding members of society – notably mothers with young children and policemen. But no jury in the land is going to convict a frosty-fingered man innocently using his natural nad-generated heat to de-ice his mitts.