We use illegal black-market technology to retroactively transcribe the thought processes of animals seen receiving festive gifts in pictures. We're pretty sure it's all safe.

Walker the Bear Receives a Construction Helmet

Polar Bear with a Hat

'Oh! Oh, wow, that's great! How did you – no, no, it's great. Awesome. Perfect. How did you, uh, how did you know to get me a workman's helmet? A nice yellow one like this, which won't break in my powerful teeth and is big enough to fit on my oversized bear head? Really, though, how? You didn't read anything, did you?

You weren't, say – I dunno, just spitballing here – digging around in my cave, in my PRIVATE cave, and reading books? Books in the shape of diaries? Books with “Walker's Private Fetish Journal” written on them? No? 'Cause I'll be honest, I didn't think anyone could figure out my Bob the Builder fetish from just looking at me – it's not like I put it on display, or anything, it's my own affair – but, well, here we are. I'm not angry, or anything.

Well, actually, I am angry. You shouldn't read people's private journals, even if those people are bears. You know, ESPECIALLY if those people are bears. I could tear your guts out with a single swipe of a powerful claw. Just saying. For the future, you know. Maybe you shouldn't do that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go put on the helmet and pleasure myself. In my cave. My PRIVATE CAVE. Jeez.'

Tiger receives a giftwrapped present


'Mmmmffffffaaaaaggghhh no I don't like it no aaagh AAAGH I DON'T LIKE IT GET IT OFF MY FACE NOW AAAAAAGGH MUM HELP AGH'

Gorilla receives a plant pot

Gorilla with a plant pot

'What the fuck is this? A plant pot? Are you guys fucking backwards, or what?

Look, I've just about managed simple tools – you know, like hitting things with other, harder things until I can eat them. That's about as far as my expertise extends. Horticulture kind of escapes me, if I'm honest.

Not that you even gave me a tiny spade. Or seeds. Or fertiliser. Shit, I don't even know what any of those things are, I'm just repeating something I've heard – that's how useless this plant pot is to me. What am I supposed to do with it, eh? Wear it on my head in an impromptu DEVO tribute? Cover the front of my face with it, so I look a bit like Bane from that new Batman film?  Man, this sucks.

This is the worst Christmas EVER. Fuck you guys.'

Seals receive sports balls, fish and a snowman decoration


'Do you see what we have wrought, humans? We prayed for him in the darkness under the water, we sacrificed mackerel in his name, and he is come. He Who Stands As Man Yet Has No Legs has arrived in the night, and we will honk his glories noisily at passing schoolchildren.

Oh, He Who Stands As Man Yet Has No Legs, we are unworthy to bask in your pristine white glow, to be held in your enormous wooden arms, to feel power of your unrelenting black-eyed stare. We bring you gifts – spheres from afar crafted by the deft hands of Asian children, and fish so that you may eat and grow mightier still, that your arms may be as sprawling tree trunks and your eyes as great pools of midnight.

You may well point, family of four who are visiting Taronga zoo for the day! You should know the face of the one that will end your pathetic epoch and usher in a new, seal-centric world! All hail He Who Stands As Man Yet Has No Legs, the Bringer of Eternal Night, Guardian of the Conquering Flame! Ia ia!'

Tiger cubs play with wrapping paper

Bitch you'll be seein' stars of Bethlehem when I'm done with you

'Don't you look at me like that, you son of a bitch. Come here. I'll give you Christmas.  I'll punch you with Christmas so hard you'll be shitting MINCE PIES FOR A MONTH'