01 An egg
The classic prank: Hard-boil it when no one’s around and put it back in a box with other, real eggs. When your target enters the kitchen, pick out the hard egg and throw it to them, shouting something like, “Think fast, dickhead!”
Hilarious because: They’re going to think it’s a real egg! And real eggs cause, like, yolky mess all over clothes and stuff. But the worst they’re going to get is mild egg-induced concussion.
The next level prank: Dress up in an expertly made chicken suit (it must look real) and, as your target goes to make his breakfast, tap him on the shoulder and say, “I swear to Christ, if you touch one of my kids you’re doing time.” Speak in a Bob Hoskins-y voice while gently slapping your target’s right cheek.
The aftermath: Actual jail-time, for GBH.
02 Cling film
The classic prank: We all know this one. Wrap the bog basin in cling film, in the hope that your sleepy prankee will be too tired to notice that they’re slowly defecating all over themselves.
Hilarious because: If it works, you get to bestow a nickname upon the ‘mark’ for the rest ?of the day like ‘shitty pants bum-boy’ or something ?equally mad.
The next level prank: Surprise your intended target by getting a few friends together, overpowering him, and cling filming his naked body to the dining room table. No real purpose served – we’ve just often wondered how many rolls of film it would take to do that.
The aftermath: Never again will you wrap your pathetic cheese sarnie without looking back and chortling to yourself about the day cling film was king.
The classic prank: Rimming all your glassware with a fingerful of the hot stuff will be enough to set mouths alight.
Hilarious because: Everyone knows Tony’s a right laugh when his stomach ulcer gets irritated!?
The next level prank: Have Tabasco surprise your ‘mark’ throughout the rest of the day. When they go to eat their ham sarnie? There’s Tabasco in it! When they blow their nose with a hanky? There’s Tabasco on it! When they’re taking their eye drops? There’s Tabasco in them!
The aftermath: After a few hours in A&E and a referral to the eye hospital, you’ll both look back and laugh. Well, you’ll look back, at least…
04 Mobile phone
The classic prank: In your mate’s mobile, swap the number for ‘mum’ with his current girlfriend or love interest.
Hilarious because: That one awkwardly incestuous message that your mate sends to his mum, along the lines of “i wanna get u really wet 2nite”.
The next level prank: On the same phone, swap your own name with that of an ex-girlfriend or a busty colleague. This puts you firmly in the driving seat and will allow you to conduct a full-blown affair.
The aftermath: After an online affair including full cyber-sex, comes the awkward meeting, in Pizza Express, where you reveal the love interest to be yours truly. There might be the odd friendship ruined, but who cares!
The classic prank: Pop lots of little pinpricks in the neck of a plastic milk bottle. Make sure the top quarter of the bottle is empty.
Hilarious because: The next mug who comes along to put the white stuff on his Weetabix will have his precious new Topman suit sprinkled in stinky calcium. He’s going to smell like a right sour milky bastard for the rest of the day. Lolz!
The next level prank: Pop a few holes in his condoms too. He was just saying the other week how he was thinking about settling down…
The aftermath:Oh how you’ll all look back and laugh in 13 months when your mate ‘Milky’ is struggling to keep up the child support payments on his illegitimate son. Still though, we had a laugh, eh? Milky? Eh?
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WORDS BY SI CUNNINGHAM
ILLUSTRATIONS BY CHRIS SIMPSONS ARTIST