Austin Healey - England rugby hero - takes on Zakk Wylde - guitar legend - in one of FHM's ultra-informative and totally thorough bloke tests.
Have you ever had anything live in your mouth?
Austin: Loads of times. Lewis Moody is petrified of spiders, so to freak him out I put one in my mouth at the training ground. I went up to him, opened my mouth and he went totally schizo. He punched me in the head and ran off. 
Zakk: Yeah, my wife’s pussy. The immortal beloved’s snatch. 
Have you ever been convinced you were going to die?
Austin: Yes, as a 16-year-old on holiday in Malta. We were at the top of this cliff in a jeep and my dad got out and forgot to put the handbrake on. It started to roll – he got back in just in time. 
Zakk: I feel like that every fucking morning when I look in the fucking mirror! 
Have you ever killed your own food?
Austin: Yep, chickens. We go on loads of team-building exercises as rugby players and we went on one for a TV show where we had to kill the chicken, skin it and eat it. We cooked it on a spit. 
Zakk: I’m trying to think. I’ve had my Rottweiler kill something and then eaten it if that counts? 
Have you ever chopped down a tree?
Austin: Yeah, about three weeks ago in my garden. It had loads of vines growing over it. It was dead and I had to get rid of it. 
Zakk: Me and my kids might have at Christmas. But it takes up too much time at the pub so I’d rather pay someone to do it. 
Have you ever been bitten on the balls by an animal?
Austin: Yes. I’ve got a scar, just to the right of my right one where, when I was five, I was bitten by a Labrador. 
Zakk: Yes, by my wife, the immortal beloved. 
Have you ever set yourself on fire?
Austin: Yeah, with sambucas. There’s a guy at Leicester called Adel Kardooni who’s so hairy and they used to set fire to him. My mum set herself on fire once, too. I had to throw a cup of tea over her. 
Zakk: When I used to work at Chippendales I used to do it every night! 
Have you ever given a baby alcohol to send it to sleep?
Austin: No. I’ve got four daughters. If I say yes to that I’ll get arrested and the kids will get taken away. So no, I haven’t. 
Zakk: Uh, no. I’ve never tossed my kids alcohol to help them sleep, I just hit them with a right cross. 
Have you ever had a poo in a friend’s house and not been able to flush it away?
Austin: A friend of mine used my downstaris khazi and it had to be replaced because he had a George III in there and it wouldn’t flush. I thought a dinosaur had sat on my toilet. It was unbelievable, and he had to fish it out. The toilet never recovered. 
Zakk: One time on our tour bus this smokin’ looking chick came aboard. And figuring it was like a normal bathroom, she broke the ‘no solids’ rule. We were all just sitting there… then we smell it. I couldn’t look at her again. 
Have you ever stolen anything big?
Austin: At a rugby dinner, I’d had a few to drink, and I stole Gary Morris’ car and parked it in the middle of the pitch. 
Zakk: Nah, I stole one time and I got busted and my mother found out. I’d have been a terrible criminal. 
Finally, can you draw a self-portrait?
Austin's effort Zakk's offering
Austin: We say: Of course, but he was apologising to Lewis Moody so we did it. 
Zakk: We say: Showcases the same intricate finger work he uses for solos. 
Austin Healey: 7 A cracking score – his rugby heritage has done him proud. Austin is supporting Dolmio’s ‘Taste of Italy Indulgence Campaign’. See dolmio.co.uk
Zakk Wylde: 5 His game is strong, but the guitar hero just misses the mark. Zakk’s new album Order Of The Black is out now.