Austin Healey - England rugby hero - takes on Zakk Wylde - guitar legend - in one of FHM's ultra-informative and totally thorough bloke tests.

Have you ever had anything live in your mouth?

Austin: Loads of times. Lewis Moody is petrified of spiders, so to freak him out I put one in my mouth at the training ground. I went up to him, opened my mouth and he went totally schizo. He punched me in the head and ran off. [1]

Zakk: Yeah, my wife’s pussy. The immortal beloved’s snatch. [1]

Have you ever been convinced you were going to die?

Austin: Yes, as a 16-year-old on holiday in Malta. We were at the top of this cliff in a jeep and my dad got out and forgot to put the handbrake on. It started to roll – he got back in just in time. [1]

Zakk: I feel like that every fucking morning when I look in the fucking mirror! [1]

Have you ever killed your own food?

Austin: Yep, chickens. We go on loads of team-building exercises as rugby players and we went on one for a TV show where we had to kill the chicken, skin it and eat it. We cooked it on a spit. [1]

Zakk: I’m trying to think. I’ve had my Rottweiler kill something and then eaten it if that counts? [0]

Have you ever chopped down a tree?

Austin: Yeah, about three weeks ago in my garden. It had loads of vines growing over it. It was dead and I had to get rid of it. [1]

Zakk: Me and my kids might have at Christmas. But it takes up too much time at the pub so I’d rather pay someone to do it. [0]

Have you ever been bitten on the balls by an animal?

Austin: Yes. I’ve got a scar, just to the right of my right one where, when I was five, I was bitten by a Labrador. [1]

Zakk: Yes, by my wife, the immortal beloved. [1]

Have you ever set yourself on fire?

Austin: Yeah, with sambucas. There’s a guy at Leicester called Adel Kardooni who’s so hairy and they used to set fire to him. My mum set herself on fire once, too. I had to throw a cup of tea over her. [1]

Zakk: When I used to work at Chippendales I used to do it every night! [1]

Have you ever given a baby alcohol to send it to sleep?

Austin: No. I’ve got four daughters. If I say yes to that I’ll get arrested and the kids will get taken away. So no, I haven’t. [0]

Zakk: Uh, no. I’ve never tossed my kids alcohol to help them sleep, I just hit them with a right cross. [0]

Have you ever had a poo in a friend’s house and not been able to flush it away?

Austin: A friend of mine used my downstaris khazi and it had to be replaced because he had a George III in there and it wouldn’t flush. I thought a dinosaur had sat on my toilet. It was unbelievable, and he had to fish it out. The toilet never recovered. [0]

Zakk: One time on our tour bus this smokin’ looking chick came aboard. And figuring it was like a normal bathroom, she broke the ‘no solids’ rule. We were all just sitting there… then we smell it. I couldn’t look at her again. [0]

Have you ever stolen anything big?

Austin: At a rugby dinner, I’d had a few to drink, and I stole Gary Morris’ car and parked it in the middle of the pitch. [1]

Zakk: Nah, I stole one time and I got busted and my mother found out. I’d have been a terrible criminal. [0]

Finally, can you draw a self-portrait?


Austin's effort                                                     Zakk's offering

Austin: We say: Of course, but he was apologising to Lewis Moody so we did it. [0]

Zakk: We say: Showcases the same intricate finger work he uses for solos. [1]

The Result

Austin Healey: 7 A cracking score – his rugby heritage has done him proud. Austin is supporting Dolmio’s ‘Taste of Italy Indulgence Campaign’. See dolmio.co.uk

Zakk Wylde: 5 His game is strong, but the guitar hero just misses the mark. Zakk’s new album Order Of The Black is out now.