Noel Clarke - actor slash director - takes on Cary Elwes - actor slash actor - in another of our royal rumble's for pride. Giving them the chance to shamelessly spout stories from their showbiz lives, it's a bloke test:
Have you ever been woken up by a policeman?
Noel: I have. I was in bed, it was 2.20am and five policemen knocked on my door. They wanted to know if I really owned my house, because they’d just arrested someone for fraud who said they lived there. I was not happy and I complained. 
Cary: No, but I’ve encountered a few. I got done for tampering with a parking meter by an undercover cop. I didn’t have the right change and somebody had taught me how to jimmy it – he knew what I was doing. It was a fair cop. 
Have you ever been convinced you were going to die?
Noel: Yes. I was once on a plane coming back from Florida and there was crazy turbulence, the kind that lifts your drink off the tray table. 
Cary: I got bitten in Thailand and there was a day in the hospital when I thought my number was up. They think I was bitten by a mosquito and caught dengue fever. It was all pretty unpleasant. 
Have you ever killed your own food?
Noel: In Trinidad, when I was ten, we were having chicken and me and my cousins cut the chicken’s head off. And then I cried because it chased me with its head off. It freaked me right out. 
Cary: No, I’ve never needed to. I’ve eaten pretty well in my life. 
Have you ever stolen anything big?
Noel: A career! 
Cary: No. When I was a kid I used to shoplift candy. If you get away with it once it’s amazing how much you’ll keep pushing that envelope. 
Would you take a bullet for your best mate?
Noel: Yeah, as long as I knew he wasn’t going to try it on with my wife when I was dead. *Noel later tweeted us this: Dear @ I retract my take a bullet for best mate from bloke test, bringing my score to a [X]. I think he'd try shag my mrs if I was dead. We're taking his first answer. 
Cary: Yeah, but it’d have to be a really good mate. I’ve got a couple of mates that fit into that category. Luckily one of them’s so big, he could take the bullet himself, no problem. 
Have you ever seen porn that’s made you feel sick?
Noel: Yes, the original ‘2 girls 1 cup’ thing. Anything to do with poop, especially that first scene, where it’s like an ice cream machine. 
Cary: No. 
Have you ever given a baby alcohol to send it to sleep?
Noel: Yes, I have given a baby a little taste on its gums – but I did it more to see what his reaction would be! 
Cary: No, never. My mum used to do that to me and I won’t do that to my kid. 
Have you ever had a poo in a friend’s house and not been able to flush it away?
Noel: Worse, I did it at an ex-girlfriend’s house. I ended up taking off my boxers, wrapping them round my hand and shoving it down the hole. It got blocked, but I sort of hid it round the corner. 
Cary: No, but I’ve done that in a public place. The toilet was so fricking disgusting. Ireland – they don’t believe in flushing. They think it’s like a work of art that everyone else should enjoy. Don’t ever use a public toilet in Dublin. 
Have you ever pretended to be gay to talk to a woman?
Noel: Well, I pretended to be gay to get into the female changing rooms when I was a lifeguard once. 
Cary: No, I’ve never had to. I just be myself. I’ve never struggled with women. 
Finally, can you draw a self-portrait?
Noel's effort Cary's offering
Noel - We say: He can, but we lost it, so we did it. 
Cary - We say: Yes, and mighty fine it is, too. It captures his general confusion at the interview perfectly. 
Noel: 10 A straight flush for the Kidulthood director. His latest film 188.8.131.52 is out on DVD and Blu-ray now.
Cary: 3 A very poor result, but Carey’s been through a lot. There’s some more torture in Saw 3D in cinemas now.