Noel Clarke - actor slash director - takes on Cary Elwes - actor slash actor - in another of our royal rumble's for pride. Giving them the chance to shamelessly spout stories from their showbiz lives, it's a bloke test:

Have you ever been woken up by a policeman?

Noel: I have. I was in bed, it was 2.20am and five policemen knocked on my door. They wanted to know if I really owned my house, because they’d just arrested someone for fraud who said they lived there. I was not happy and I complained. [1]

Cary: No, but I’ve encountered a few. I got done for tampering with a parking meter by an undercover cop. I didn’t have the right change and somebody had taught me how to jimmy it – he knew what I was doing. It was a fair cop. [0]

Have you ever been convinced you were going to die?

Noel: Yes. I was once on a plane coming back from Florida and there was crazy turbulence, the kind that lifts your drink off the tray table. [1]

Cary: I got bitten in Thailand and there was a day in the hospital when I thought my number was up. They think I was bitten by a mosquito and caught dengue fever. It was all pretty unpleasant. [1]

Have you ever killed your own food?

Noel: In Trinidad, when I was ten, we were having chicken and me and my cousins cut the chicken’s head off. And then I cried because it chased me with its head off. It freaked me right out. [1]

Cary: No, I’ve never needed to. I’ve eaten pretty well in my life. [0]

Have you ever stolen anything big?

Noel: A career! [1]

Cary: No. When I was a kid I used to shoplift candy. If you get away with it once it’s amazing how much you’ll keep pushing that envelope. [0]

Would you take a bullet for your best mate?

Noel: Yeah, as long as I knew he wasn’t going to try it on with my wife when I was dead. *Noel later tweeted us this: Dear @ I retract my take a bullet for best mate from bloke test, bringing my score to a [X]. I think he'd try shag my mrs if I was dead. We're taking his first answer. [1]

Cary: Yeah, but it’d have to be a really good mate. I’ve got a couple of mates that fit into that category. Luckily one of them’s so big, he could take the bullet himself, no problem. [1]

Have you ever seen porn that’s made you feel sick?

Noel: Yes, the original ‘2 girls 1 cup’ thing. Anything to do with poop, especially that first scene, where it’s like an ice cream machine. [1]

Cary: No. [0]

Have you ever given a baby alcohol to send it to sleep?

Noel: Yes, I have given a baby a little taste on its gums – but I did it more to see what his reaction would be! [1]

Cary: No, never. My mum used to do that to me and I won’t do that to my kid. [0]

Have you ever had a poo in a friend’s house and not been able to flush it away?

Noel: Worse, I did it at an ex-girlfriend’s house. I ended up taking off my boxers, wrapping them round my hand and shoving it down the hole. It got blocked, but I sort of hid it round the corner. [1]

Cary: No, but I’ve done that in a public place. The toilet was so fricking disgusting. Ireland – they don’t believe in flushing. They think it’s like a work of art that everyone else should enjoy. Don’t ever use a public toilet in Dublin. [0]

Have you ever pretended to be gay to talk to a woman?

Noel: Well, I pretended to be gay to get into the female changing rooms when I was a lifeguard once. [1]

Cary: No, I’ve never had to. I just be myself. I’ve never struggled with women. [0]

Finally, can you draw a self-portrait?


Noel's effort                                                                                        Cary's offering

Noel - We say: He can, but we lost it, so we did it. [1]

Cary - We say: Yes, and mighty fine it is, too. It captures his general confusion at the interview perfectly. [1]

The Result

Noel: 10 A straight flush for the Kidulthood director. His latest film 4.3.2.1 is out on DVD and Blu-ray now.

Cary: 3 A very poor result, but Carey’s been through a lot. There’s some more torture in Saw 3D in cinemas now.