While you’re busy living your life, all around the world, stuff is happening. People are inventing things, inciting political uprising, killing each other, having babies, getting fat, getting thin, releasing fitness DVDs to show how they were once fat but are now thin – and a whole heap more – all while you’re tucked away in a cocoon of solitude, with only Call of Duty and Twitter to save you from self-imposed white torture.
None of the stuff that’s happening is necessarily affecting you directly, but you can’t escape the nagging feeling that you should know what’s going on, so you can have an opinion and be ready to assert it to anyone within earshot as soon as you’ve had three pints.
Which is where the news comes in. It’s a handy source of information, keeping you abreast of what’s going on in the world. The trouble, of course, is that most of the news is utter bullshit. For every piece of well-reasoned, impartial, dedicated reportage, there are a thousand polyps' of politically biased quasi-fictional bullshit, featuring hacked phones, “close sources” and cancer causes ranging from bottled water to closing one eye and looking at a picture of Michael Portillo while listening to Enya.
Our version of the news, on the other hand, comes free from motive or agenda.
It also comes with minimal facts or guarantee of accuracy, but you can’t have everything.
Here’s what happened last week:
It was well windy
The first day back at work can be a bit of a slog. You’re rudely dragged from your routine of waking up around midday, watching Homes Under the Hammer, eating all the decent Quality Streets and going back to bed content at a good day’s work, and unceremoniously plonked in the epicentre of real life like a half-blind duckling hatching from the warmth of its shell in the middle of the Tokyo rush hour.
But everyone’s in the same boat, and you soldier on and get through it together. Except there’s always someone in the office who’s a right grumpy bastard and seems determined to make it as painful as possible for everyone.
Well, this year, that person was the wind. Yep, as if the day wasn’t already daunting enough, we were greeted with hurricane-force gales. These weren’t just your usual gnome-bothering winter gusts, these were 100mph behemoths that would whip your scarf around your neck like a overzealous boa constrictor as soon as look at you.
Trees were all like: “Yeah whatever, wind. A few puffs from you isn’t going to bother us. Can’t you just stop being a dick? It’s the middle of winter; we haven’t got any leaves for you to blow off anyway. Woah, steady on. Seriously, wind, lay off a bit. I… I can’t bend that way! Oi! Take it easy! That really smarts! Shi… I’m cracking… Oh man I'm falling... Oh fuck that car looks really hard…” Creak, swoosh, thud, crack, crunch, glass-smash, weeow-weeow-weeow, etc.
Neil Warnock got sacked
Guiding QPR into the Premier League for the first time in 15 years and having them outside the relegation zone (admittedly not by much) wasn't enough to save Neil Warnock from the chop after just 20 league games. To be fair, he did sign Kieron 'egg legs' Dyer and Danny Gabbidon - for years we thought OG stood for "Oh, Gabbidon" rather than 'Own goal', he scores that many, so perhaps he had it coming.
Beyonce gave birth, didn’t she?
Not since Joseph started casting suspicious glances at Mary has a baby received so much attention. After months of ludicrous conspiracy theories, Beyoncé and Jay-Z finally welcomed their firstborn, Blue Ivy. In the end it was just your typical, calm, understated birth, with the couple paying a reported $1.3m to boot a load of other expectant mothers out of a Manhattan hospital so Blue Ivy could have some privacy.
Security at the hospital has been tightened, largely in response to rumours that Madonna had been spotted in the area.
Arsène Wenger and Sir Alex Ferguson made late-night booty calls
We’ve all been there. You break up with a girlfriend and, after the initial excitement of singledom subsides, you start to wonder if you’ve made the right decision. You forget all her annoying habits, and start to sentimentalise over her glossy hair and the endearing way her breath smelt like uncooked budget sausages in the morning.
Before you know it, you’ve exchanged some flirty texts and you’re waking up in eerily recognisable surroundings, unable to place yourself until you smell that all-too-familiar scent of Wall’s skinless.
Well that’s exactly what Arsène Wenger and Sir Alex Ferguson have done. Perma tight-walleted Wenger has brought back Arsenal hero Thierry Henry while United unveiled ginger vet Paul Scholes against their city rivals yesterday.
David Beckham was at the Etihad Stadium, proudly watching on as his former midfield pal trotted onto the pitch. Brazilian £20.4 million flop Anderson was undoubtedly less delighted, sitting on the bench watching a bloke 14 years his senior who, only the previous Sunday, probably had his feet up, scratching his balls to the soothing goodness of Something For The Weekend.
Republican candidacy race
The race to be the person who gets to lose the US election in November came to a thrilling climax last week. An American person won. Massive.
Bob Holness died and Ed Miliband made a typo
Everyone's favourite Blockbusters host sadly passed away last week, aged 83. Labour leader Ed Miliband was quick to express his sympathy. A bit too quick, perhaps...
Schools are sending shit pupils to Alton Towers during Ofsted inspections
On Friday, the Metro revealed that schools have been bribing problem pupils to stay away during Ofsted inspections in order to make them look better.
Apparently, some pupils were bunged a hundred quid to keep their scuffed shoes, short ties and bad attitudes away for a few hours. Another shady school “sent two coachloads of disruptive pupils to Alton Towers during the two days of Ofsted”.
So that's what it was. And we thought we were queuing up for Oblivion behind the cast of Desperate Scousewives.
A dodgy man in a hat made Amir Khan lose a fight
The mysterious guy in the bowler hat suggesting to certain judges that certain 8s should become 10s has been named as Mustafa Ameen.
The boxing authorities were going to track him down and have a chat to him but he promptly disappeared into a fancy dress shop, never to be seen again.
Celebrity Big Brother started
Apparently, whoever wins gets to become a celebrity. Awesome!
And that was the week that was.