HARRY REDKNAPP IS IN COURT
Everyone’s favourite wheeler-dealer, Harry ‘Del Boy’ Redknapp, is currently on trial for two counts of tax evasion.
The FHM News Roundup loves playing around with pictures to make them funny – like Beyoncé carrying an infant Jay-Z or Mark Wahlberg preventing 9/11 – but, when it came to the courtroom artist’s impression of ‘arry, the work had been done for us:
He looks like the lovechild of Sven Goran Eriksson and Michael Caine sucking a lemon sherbert while watching The Artist and totally not getting it. The guy next to him looks like he's just realised he left his lunch at home and it's raining outside.
A BLOKE DID A BAD JOB AND WAS GIVEN £1 MILLION
RBS boss Stephen Hester was set to receive a bonus worth about £1 million. What with RBS being funded by taxpayers, and the fact they haven’t exactly been killing it on the whole ‘please stop losing all of our money you twats’ front, people were understandably a bit miffed. In the end, he bowed to public pressure and decided to waive his bonus and make do with his £1.2 million annual salary, the bloody hero.
TWO BLOKES PLAYED TENNIS
Microphone-haired Serb Novak Djokovic played sexy Spanish otter Rafael Nadal at tennis in Australia. It lasted five hours and 53 minutes and finished at half-one in the morning with Nov tearing his shirt off in sweaty exaltation; just like the time we lost our virginity, really.
"DON'T LOOK AT THE LIGHTS!" "I-CAN'T-HELP-IT-THEY'RE-SO-BEAUTIFUL"
The Northern Lights, normally seen sexily wafting above the snow-covered landscapes of Lapland, took a little holiday to the UK. “I’m getting fucking sick of all this lovely scenery, Aurora.” “Me too, Borealis. And these reindeer and huskies are a right pain in the arse; let’s go and see what’s happening in Croydon.” Some Finnish travel agent for light phenomenons is laughing all the way to the bank.
PATRICE EVRA GOT BOOED
Apparently being the victim of racist abuse makes you a pantomime villain. You stay classy, football fans.
Unsurprisingly, football madhead Kenny Dalglish offered a carefully considered opinion on the matter:
At least Evra only gets booed by opposing fans, unlike poor Andrey Arshavin. If David Luiz plays like he’s “controlled by a 10-year-old on a Playstation”, Andre Arshavin must be controlled by your senile dementia-suffering Nan. “Which one's ‘run’? Who’s that in the blue? How do I change gun? Why is he wearing gloves? Where’s Luigi? Where are we? What's that noise? When's Esmerelda getting here? Is it Christmas? I do like Christmas. Remember that Christmas when I got left at home by mistake and you all went on holiday without me and I had to fend off those two burglars using a plethora of amusing booby traps? What do you mean that was a film? Which one's 'run'? I'm cold."
ENGLAND ARE CRAP AT CRICKET AGAIN
Well that didn’t last long, did it? England, recently crowned best test cricket team in the world, were comprehensively undone by Pakistan’s Saeed Ajmal. “He’s not throwing it properly!” they bleated, as the world’s finest batsmen flapped their bats around like a supermodel swatting a wasp.