It’s been a bad week for British sport, a good week for Chris Brown, and a good or bad week depending on whether or not you like jingoistic sensationalist comics on the Sabbath.
DAVID AND DERECK SLAPPED EACH OTHER, A GIANT LAUGHED
In the least classy display since the TOWIE Christmas special, David Haye and Dereck Chisora went at each other in the post-fight press conference on Saturday night.
The abhorent shambles reminded us of a cross between that time that horrible girl punched the other horrible girl after their X Factor audition went a bit wrong because neither of them could sing for toffee, and this:
The whole thing was about as pleasant as finding a dead kitten at the bottom of your Coco Pops, and ended with Chisora delivering the hilarious line: "Oi, listen! I'm going to physically shoot David Haye."
Oh, you're going to physically shoot him? Thanks for the clarification; we thought you were just going to shoot him with your mind, like some kind of ill-mannered ghetto Carrie.
WHITNEY HOUSTON HAD A FUNERAL
We told you last week how Aaron Ramsey had finished off Whitney Houston. The funeral took place on Saturday and was watched by millions on YouTube. One man who didn't see it was Whitney's ex-husband, Bobby Brown, who left the church after he and his large entourage were asked to move seats three or four times.
Pew can play at that game, eh Bob?
THE GRAMMY AWARDS HAPPENED
Lots of people who'd made nice sounds with their mouths were given awards to say "well done for making nice sounds with your mouths". It was a generally lovely affair, albeit tarnished for some by the presence of lady-puncher Chris Brown.
We thought 'the ultimate fuck off' would be more like:
'Fuck off, Chris Brown. Fuck off and please stop beating up Rihanna, pleading not guilty and then partying immediately after being found guilty. Fuck off and stop publicly slamming record shops for removing your album from shelves. Fuck off and don't use eye drops to break down during a tribute to Michael Jackson in order to make yourself seem like a nice person. Fuck off and stop tweeting pictures of your domestic violence class certificate; some things are best celebrated in private. Fuck off and stop sending homophobic and threatening tweets to Raz B from B2K, and probably best to fuck off and stop making YouTube videos threatening to beat him up, while you're at it. Fuck off and stop throwing chairs through windows when you're asked about the abuse.'
THE EUROZONE CRISIS
This is still happening. It's something about aerosols and CFCs, we think. We're not really sure. We could go to the effort of finding out, but it'll probably all blow over soon and then we'd have wasted our time.
A MAN "HIBERNATED LIKE A BEAR"
According to the Guardian, a 44-year-old Swedish man got stuck in his car on December 19 and was only rescued yesterday.
Looking at the picture, we can't help but wonder if perhaps he should have tried a little bit harder to get out of the car. They say he "survived only by eating snow". So, hang on, he opens the car door, nips out to gather a nice little feast of snow, and then jumps back in and says "Ooh, I'm trapped, I'm trapped!" You're not fooling us, pal.
After all, Anne Frank's story would have lost some of it's gravitas if she'd been found sporting a glowing tan, waving a fully-stamped Nandos card around and wearing an 'I ♥ Malia' T-shirt, and Aron Ralston might have garnered less sympathy if he'd nipped off for a quick game of rounders and wedged himself back into the crevice at the end of each day.
THE SUN ON SUNDAY LAUNCHES THIS WEEKEND
The News of the World had to go away forever last summer because it hacked a load of phones and people weren't very pleased about that.
In totally unrelated news, the Sun on Sunday launches this Sunday (best day for it, really). It's under the same ownership, has a large proportion of the same workforce, and will probably be very similar indeed to the News of the World, but it's COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.