AVB’s been sacked, the iPad 3 is the new Justin Bieber, a big red bus was replaced by a big red bus and Google knows that you’re a dirty pervert.

AVB GOT THE SCK

In the least surprising Chelsea news since Fernando Torres had as much luck scoring as Fred West on Take Me Out, Chelsea’s youthful manager Andres Villas-Boas has been given the chop.

Eight managers in nine years? Christ, having Roman Abramovich as your boss must be about as comforting as a deep tissue massage from the Grim Reaper.

LONDON'S GOT A NEW BUS

It’s big and red! And it only cost eight million pounds! It’s totally different to the old bus it replaced! That was crap! It was all big and red! Sod that! Go Boris! Yay!

Boris Jonhson riding new Routemaster bus
This is the new bus. Or the old bus. It's a friggin' bus, ALRIGHT?

THE LEVESON INQUIRY IS STILLLLLLLL GOINNNNNNNG ONNNNNNN

It’s like watching Modern Time Forever or the Hollyoaks omnibus. How long is this bloody thing meant to last? Is it FOREVER? Or just until all the mean people involved choke on their own lizard tongues of hate?

PEOPLE ARE EXPLODING WITH GLEE BECAUSE THE IPAD 3 MIGHT BE GRACING US WITH ITS PRESENCE

Remember when technology was just stuff that made things easier or gizmos that entertained you? Notanymore! Now it’s like a Bieber-esque celebrity in its own right; you get a myriad of pointless gossip columns dedicated to what it might or might not be up to and sados camp for days on end to get a look at it. At the moment, if you Google 'iPad 3', the top result is 'iPad 3 rumours: what you need to know'.

iPad 3

You don’t need to know anything. It’ll still be a laptop without a keyboard. It’ll probably have a slightly bigger or slightly smaller screen than an iPad 2 – a reality you could have achieved by just looking at that one and opening your eyes a bit wider or narrowing them slightly. You’ll still justify spending £600 on one because “It’ll really improve business” and then while away battery life playing games a NES would have turned its nose up at.

Ooh, wait! It might have a carbon fibre case! This changes everything absolutely nothing.

DAVY JONES DIED

Lots of people thought he was a pirate. He wasn't. He was this guy:


GOOGLE IS STEALING OUR SOULS

Google, having spent the last five weeks trying to warn everybody that they were about to change their privacy policy, only bloody had the temerity and downright cheek to change their privacy policy. The internet was up in arms. Well, the internet obviously doesn't have arms; it has bazookas for limbs, kittens for hands and samurai swords for fingers - so it was up in them.

ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK IS DOING EUROVISION

Some people are fully on-board with this, but others are saying he's a bad choice.

Those with a modicum of sense, of course, couldn't care less who does it. Eurovision offers the least democratic voting process since the Russian presidential election. It's about as authentic as 90s WWE and Turkey Twizzlers. Good luck, Humpers, you sexy old pensioner, you.

Engelbert Humperdinck Eurovision

BP PAYOUT

BP has agreed to pay out $7.8 billion after the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. If we were on one of those cringingly permatanned American chat shows, we'd say something like "Ooh, that's the most expensive discharge since Monica Lewinsky's dress got ruined" while an audience whooped and screamed things like "Oh no you ditn't!!!!".

But we're not.