Our weekly news roundup is bursting at the seams with sociable paedophiles, internet blackouts, lonely Scotland and a bloke who used to perform Eurodance hip hop with The Funky Bunch claiming he could have prevented 9/11.

MARKY MARK COULD HAVE PREVENTED 9/11

At least that’s what he said, before being forced to issue a hasty apology for being stupid. “If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry”".

Mark Wahlberg 9/11

Maybe Wahlberg could take a break from acting to refocus on his musical career. He could team up with Lee Ryan... 

(Blue being interviewed shortly after the attacks.)
Lee Ryan: "What about whales? They are ignoring animals that are more important. Animals need saving and that's more important. This New York thing is being blown out of proportion."
Simon Webbe: "Shut up, Lee."
Lee Ryan: "Who gives a fuck about New York when elephants are being killed?"
Duncan James: "Shut up."
Lee Ryan: "I'm not afraid to say this, it has to be said and that's why I'm the outspoken one from the band."

GARY GLITTER JOINED TWITTER

Some people were a bit upset that the convicted paedophile and registered sex offender Gary Glitter had joined Twitter, a social network dominated by youthful fans of One Direction and Justin Bieber.

Others were thrilled:

Ultimately it didn’t matter as the account turned out to be a fake, created to highlight the dangers of paedophiles on the internet. “OMG LOOK I’M A PAEDOPHILE! HAHA NO I’M NOT! ROFL!”

ALEX JAMES SUDDENLY LIKES FAST FOOD A WHOLE LOT

"In some ways it's very similar to a Michelin-starred restaurant. When it's busy in a Michelin kitchen, all the chefs are doing is putting pre-prepared parts of a meal together, which is essentially the same as McDonald's."

Yeah, it's essentially the same, in the same way that walking in on your folks having sex is 'essentially the same' as a free membership to YouJizz.com.

Read the full article for some unbridled hilarity and images of Alex James looking at weird reconstituted uncooked meat and trying to make it look appetising.

DO NOT RETUNE YOUR INTERNET

After PIPA and SOPA and some other acronyms we don't understand shut down a website we'd used to watch weird things, Wikipedia and a bunch of other websites went on strike for a day to show the world what it would be like without free information. The answer, unsurprisingly, was shit.

Wikipedia blackout

SCOTLAND CAN'T COME OUT TO PLAY TODAY

The Scottish government has expressed their intention to hold an independence referendum in 2014. A few months ago they were suggesting that Scottish footballers shouldn't sign up for the Olympics team. Whaaaaaaaaaat? No Phil Bardsley? We might as well pack in now.