Adele gets cut off, the Artist wins big, the Sun comes under fire from police but none of this even matters because NUCLEAR BOMBS in SPACE will KILL US ALL:
The Oscars happened, turns out we should have watched The Artist after all
Last night heralded the Academy Awards, where the latest and greatest stars of Hollywood mingle to walk up red carpets and exchange miniature figurines of C3PO, or something. Anyway, The Artist won pretty much everything under the sun – including Best Picture, Best Actor, and Best Director. Not bad for a film where no-one says anything, eh?
Also, if you wanted to – say – watch an animated gif wall of hundreds of actors and actresses losing out on awards, then someone's put that exact thing together just for you. We think it's kind of hypnotic.
The plot thickens at the Leveson Inquiry, much like a good soup or bisque
One day after the release of The Sunday Sun – with a shoddy front page that was, apparently, supposed to unveil the continued existence of Lord Lucan before the story was dropped behind the scenes - Police chief Sue Akers went up before the schadenfreude-fest that is the Leveson Inquiry and presented evidence about a “culture of illegal payments” at the paper, with one employee withdrawing as much as £150,000 over the course of their career to kick out more backhanders than Andy Murray on an average day on the court.
With allegations such as that one public official has taken more than £80,000 in total from the paper, last week's claims from journalists that they were being hounded unnecessarily for taking their contacts out to lunch are looking less and less believable. Although they were taking them out in London, so if they got wine and coffee as well, that probably accounts for at least a grand a head. Even more if you go somewhere that isn't a Wetherspoons.
Adele flips the bird at the Brits
Damn, you don't wanna piss Adele off. After she and Ed Sheeran dominated the Brit awards last Wednesday (she won Best Female and Best Album, he won Best Male and Best Breakthrough), chubby jokemonger James Corden had to hustle her offstage so Blur could perform their 11-minute set. She was understandably upset, and with an almost casual “see you next time,” she put a middle finger up to the suits in charge of the event by... well, by putting up a middle finger. It was all very literal.
We don't think it was enough – she should have wrestled Corden to the ground, at the very least. Or messily thrown him into Blur's drumkit. She's probably not going to get to win both of those awards again, but we've already heard Parklife more times than we care to remember.
EMP attack on Britain is “quite likely,” we prepare for a Mad Max-style wasteland
According to The Defence Select Committee, an electromagnetic pulse from space knocking out much of Britain's infrastructure in one terrifying nuclear swoop is “quite likely.” In what sense is it “quite likely?” It's “quite likely” we're going to have a beer with dinner tonight – should hold off on buying that new toaster, say, just in case someone pops a nuke miles up in space and...
The problem is apparently fixable by upgrading national-scale electronics with EMP-resistant parts – which is a nice, if fairly unexciting solution. We were really hoping it would involve a mission behind enemy lines in some way. Ho hum.
World's shortest man found
Well, the title pretty much says it all, no? There's a new world's shortest man. He's tiny. His name is Chandra Badahur Dangi, he's 72 years old, he lives in Nepal (inventors of Mt Everest) and is 21 and a half inches tall. That's smaller than hobbits, even. We're in gnome territory, now, chaps.
Gregg Jevin Dies (#RIPGreggJevin)
Twitter was awash with sadness last week as comedian Gregg Jevin died, leading celebrities and institutions such as Waterstones and Radio Times to pay tribute to the great man. Who's Gregg Jevin? A man entirely made up by fellow comedian Michael Legge, his false exploits didn't bring joy to the hearts of thousands, perhaps even millions, because he never existed.
Despite Jevin's debilitating handicap of never actually being a real human being, tributes reached the top of the UK trending topics on the day after his fictional death – and, from all of us here at FHM, we'd like to say that we'll miss him too. We'd like to say it, but we can't, because he's not real. Sniff.