It's probably time to face facts: summer 2012 is going to be a wetter wash-out than Foam Party Night on the Titanic. The long-range forecast from BBC Weather is heart-breakingly blunt about our chances: "A prolonged spell of hot and sunny weather looks very unlikely." Bah.
Still, there's no point in caving in and letting the clouds, wind, rain and endless, crushing greyness grind us down. As a nation, we need to reach deep inside ourselves and summon up some of that battling Dunkirk spirit; to paint a smile on our collective face even as our heart is full of frowns.
And with that in mind, FHM presents...
SIX REASONS WHY THIS F---ING DICKHEAD WEATHER AIN'T SO BAD, REALLY
1. UMBRELLA TECHNOLOGY WILL FINALLY MAKE HUGE LEAPS FORWARD
A lack of motivation has left British umbrella manufacturers content to rest on their laurels for the last 50 years or so. Think about it: what was the last real innovation in umbrella-ing? The quick-release button? That little pop-stud fastener thing? Pah!
But with UK umbrella sales up an estimated 453,470% this summer, expect to see all manner of cool new brolly-tech hitting the market as competition hots up within the increasingly lucrative industry.
Umbrellas with mini-bars in them! Umbrellas that whistle Singin' In The Rain to you! Umbrellas that tell when a shower's stopped, so that you're not left walking around like a clueless, wussy bozo who's got his brolly up when it's not even raining any more!
2. IT REALLY IS SUPER-NICE WEATHER FOR DUCKS
Everybody likes ducks – they quack, they waddle, they get hilariously excited when you chuck 'em a stale slice of Warburtons. Well, as far as they're concerned, this is the Best. Summer. Ever.
Go down to your local duck-pond: they're all sat around on sun-loungers, high-fiving each other and necking mojitos. So at least someone’s happy, eh.
3. WE HAVE A MASSIVE ADVANTAGE AT THE OLYMPICS
Not only will athletes arriving from sunnier climes into Britain’s semi-aquatic atmosphere discover that their dampened limbs don’t function as they usually do, they’ll also find their positive mental attitudes somewhat knackered by the non-stop, teeming, grim’n’grey sky-piss.
D’you think Jess Ennis or Chris Hoy give a toss about a bit of rain? They love it. They drink it. For a laugh.
4. FIFTY SHADES OF GREY + ENDLESS SKIES OF GREY = CRAZY SEX AHOY
It’s the perfect storm: it’s too miserable to go outside and do anything, and Britain’s womenfolk have spent the last five weeks reading a book that's got them all revved-up about deviant sexual activities.
Trust us: things are about to get real medieval in the bedroom.
5. NO REVERSE-HOLIDAY-WEATHER CALAMITIES
You ever had that thing happen where you go away to, say, Spain, and it bloody rains all week, and your mate sends you an email that says “LOL its well hot ere u shd ave stayd ere m8!”?
Well, that ain’t gonna happen this year. Even if you go to Spain and it does piss it down, it’ll still be better than Britain, which environmental scientists predict will be three-quarters underwater by mid-August.
6. WHEN THE SUN DOES FINALLY ARRIVE, IT’LL BE A-MAAAZING
You know that bit at the end of 127 Hours when (spoiler!) James Franco finally chops his trapped hand off, and he’s staggering around in the open air, and he can’t believe that he’s free, and he’s made it, and he’s actually going to live, goddamnit?
Well, that’s how we’re all going to feel when British summertime finally kicks in. Not long now: it’s a mere eight months until the clocks go forward on March 31, 2013...