01 What’s the biggest thing you’ve set on fire?
My prison cell. There was a big riot and everyone was setting things on fire, so I set fire to my bed. It was a mistake though, because I was locked inside.

02 Have you ever worn a trilby?
A what? I wear a lot of baseball hats, but I don’t think I’ve worn one of those things you said.
Not bloke

03 Have you ever spent a significant amount of time talking to an animal?
Hell yeah, for long periods of time. If you spell out the word “cookie” to one of my dogs, he goes crazy. He starts running all over. And my other dog, if you ask him if he likes John Wayne, he starts barking all crazy.

04 Have you ever rescued an animal?
That’s what I do! I have a big pet rescue in California with about 250 pitbulls. I’ve got a couple of horses and a bear, too. He came from a circus that went under and they left him to starve. He loves jelly beans.

05 Have you ever thrown a punch and missed?
Absolutely, I’m a fighter. You can’t hit them all. You’ve always got to have a comeback, though.

06 Have you ever made growling noises at yourself in the mirror?
Grrrr! [Laughs] I make growling noises walking down the street, let alone
in the mirror. 

07 Have you ever cried when the fat people from broken homes sing really well on The X Factor?
X Factor with Simon Cowell? I like him. He’d be fun to hang out with, you know. I’ve seen the programme, but I like Simon Cowell better.

08 Have you ever put your penis through your legs and pretended to be a girl?

No, I usually beat people up that ask me that question [laughs].
09 Have you ever had a poo with someone else in the room?
Number ones, definitely. When you’re in the penitentiary you’re with
a whole bunch of people the whole time, so you gotta get used to doing things like that with people around. 

10 Have you ever thought, however briefly, that you might be Jesus?

No, God no. That would be blasphemy.
Not bloke

11 How do you behave at barbecues?

I love barbecues. I love being there, but I’ll have someone else cook. I like to order a taco guy to be there and make amazing tacos. I go all out for barbecues.

12 Have you ever let a girl put makeup on you?

I’m an actor, so yeah, sometimes. I more often get dirt rubbed on me than makeup.

13 Have you ever killed and then eaten something (not including fish)?

When I was younger my dad was a pretty big hunter. I’ve never killed nothing, but we ate what he killed. I’m more of a fisherman. I caught a 225lb bluefin tuna in San Lucas. I fought it for about an hour and 45 minutes.

14 What sort of manly nicknames have you had in your life?
Everyone gets a nickname when they go to the penitentiary, but I didn’t
get one because they were scared I wouldn’t like it. But Robert Rodriguez [director] gave me the nickname Machete, and everyone calls me that now.

15 Have you ever followed through on a particularly exuberant fart?
No, usually my mind will say, “That’s not good, Danny,” and my brain will stop me.
[We explain we mean “fart”, not “thought”.]
Yeah, but a bad thought to me is a bank robbery. That’s not good. I’ve got a pretty strong conscience.
[“Fart like trump, Danny, like from your bum.”]
I don’t understand? I’d never go and crash a car on purpose or anything?
[We let it slide, because we’re slightly scared of him.]
Not bloke

Overall Danny scored 12/15. Not even his manly nickname and huge pet baer could help him top our table. Still, he's in at a pretty good joint third place, so no need to hack any heads off with that Machete, eh?

Bloke Test Leaderboard

Danny Trejo stars in Death Race 3: Inferno, out now on Blu-ray, DVD and digital download. Have you seen who else FHM met this month?

Photography: Photoshot