Bringing you the sort of news from around the world that either you don't believe, or makes you think the difficulty you have negotiating an awkward t-junction every morning should be on the nationals. Want the least surprising bit of information? Most of it comes from the other side of the pond. 

Doggone legend

A Canadian police force has hired a new recruit, but this one is more likely to be found licking his own nuts than breaking balls. The Vancouver police department has hired a two-year-old male labrador as a police therapy dog. The dog is on the staff of the police department’s Victim Services team. The idea being that the hound will be on hand (paw) to help “excessively emotional” people. The “calm and easygoing” dog will accompany the Victim Services team whenever it is called to events such as break and enters, assaults, serious collisions or fatalities. Several dogs ‘interviewed’ for the job, but the hound chosen had the best rapport with the handlers, Brooks said. 

Butt head

A woman who popped her finger into another’s bum crack accidentally started a knife fight. According to a Dallas police report, 22-year-old Laquita Mattox rubbed a finger along the victim’s bottom, which made her clench her buttocks in shock which, in turn, caused the bed she was sitting on to break and that angered Mattox no end. A fight began in which Mattox repeatedly hit the victim before grabbing a butcher’s knife and threatening to kill her. The victim called the police and Mattox fled. 

LSDeity

With the best possible intentions, a group of teenagers near Nashville, Tennessee burnt down their local church because they thought it belonged to Satan worshippers. Misguided for sure, especially in one of America’s religious heartlands. The mystery was solved after it was revealed that the six 18-year-olds and one 17-year-old were off their pickles on LSD.

Quick turn over

27-year-old James Michael Holsten got out of prison! Then went straight back in. After being released from prison America’s new dumbest criminal claimed that some of his personal items had not been returned. Did he raise his issues with the proper authorities? No. Instead, he began jumping up and down on the police cruisers outside the jail. The damage caused resulted in him being charged with tampering with a vehicle, felony destruction of property and misdemeanor destruction of property. Holsten was originally charged with public intoxication and possession of marijuana and taken to jail. He got upset with wardens because a knife he owned was missing. A jail official pointed out that a weapon would not have been allowed into the jail in the first place and he shouldn’t have had it anyway. 

Which witch?

“Your laws and penalties don’t apply to me. I’m not accepting them. I’m sorry, I must go, thank you,” Eilish De Avalon said, driving off with the officer’s arm caught in her door. She claimed she was a witch and that she was not subject to Earthly laws as she was “a being from another world”. This was the excuse presented by De Avalon after being pulled over for failing to stop when using a mobile phone while driving. She then wound up the window of her car as the police officer reached in to take her keys and took off. Senior Constable Geoff Lamb said De Avalon ignored calls to stop and instead accelerated, reaching up to 60kmh as she dragged Leading Senior Constable Andrew Logan 190m. De Avalon only stopped after she hit traffic, and had to slow down, giving Lamb the chance to get the keys out. 

Diehard fatso

A hungry victim was flown to hospital in America after he was found trying to buy KFC after getting shot. The man was hit while parked at an intersection, but rather than call an ambulance or make his way to the hospital, he drove to the nearest takeaway for some revitalising chicken. Customers called 911 and the man was air-lifted to hospital. 

Caught short

A female thief who was robbing a shop in Illinois managed to lose her top in the process. Store management at the Burlington Coat Factory saw a woman stuff several pairs of children’s jeans down the front of her own trousers while out shopping with her two young sons. Security was notified and the guards approached the woman and began escorting her to the manager’s office. As they were walking along the woman made a break for it, the guard managed to grab onto the woman’s shirt, but she was able to wriggle out of it, knocking the guard to the floor. The woman and her sons escaped into a waiting car, only to be confronted by the guard standing in front of it. The car continued but swiftly went into reverse when the guard pulled his gun. The woman escaped topless, with some trousers and the award for most embarrassing mother. Ever.

More Funny stuff on FHM.com:

1/ The Lush goes to Exmouth
2/ Two drunk blokes share a bath of fireworks
3/ WIN TICKETS TO EXCLUSIVE GIGS
4/ Final Countdown: 18 things that should be easy
5/ VID: Fergie vs Rooney in rap about contract saga