To celebrate the release of Season 9 (out on DVD last month) of the famous residents of Quahog, FHM persuaded Seth MacFarlane and the Family Guy team to draw some exclusive artwork while answering two of life’s trickiest dilemmas. And so, cue drum roll, we give you Stewie and Quagmire’s exclusive pointers on the fairer sex…

Quagmire’s top seduction tips

Share your interests with her
“You might find that she enjoys the same activities! And if she really doesn’t want you to put that thing in that hole, she’ll holler or somethin’, trust me.”

Kill ’em with kindness
“I like to suffocate a girl with tenderness and then choke her with sensitivity.”

What time of month?
“I never let commas slow me down, so why should periods?”

Play it safe
“When getting kinky, it’s good to have a safe word. Unless the girl is deaf or from another country, in which case she probably won’t call the police anyhow.”

Never be afraid to cut your losses
“At the end of the night, when it’s only you and the 3/10 who’s been eyeing you all night, don’t do it, man. There’s always your right or left hand, okay? No one’s ever had to explain why they have a hand the next morning.”

Stewie’s guide to the ladies

Tune up your conversational skills
“I always carry a list of interesting topics in case the conversation lags. Top of my list: ‘What do ladies have going on down there?’”

Construct to hook up
“Women like a guy who can build things. Stack three wooden blocks on top of each other and she’s yours.”

Women love presents
“Hey baby, I got a gift in my diaper for you and it’s not a stool.”

Choose a woman with whom you have a lot in common
“I went out with a woman once who didn’t think spaceships were very cool, and I was like, ‘Okay, why are we even bothering here?’”

Be yourself
“Just be yourself. Unless you’re a total loser. In which case be someone better.”

Family Guy Season 9 is out now