Chuckle, guffaw, snigger, frown. Whatever your reaction, here's a bunch of jokes from the October issue of FHM sent in by our readers. Got a better one? Sure you have. Let us know at firstname.lastname@example.org
So Robbie Williams is getting back with the lads then, is he?
I hope they don’t break up again. I don’t think I could take that.
Some idiot in a nightclub came up to me and said, “I get 20 times more girls than you do, ha ha.”
I replied, “20 x 0 = 0.”
That shut him up.
Bad sign language
A construction worker was on the third floor of an unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him. But the guy couldn’t hear a word he said from so high up. So he started to give a sign so the man on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning “I”) then pointed at his knees (meaning “need”), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw. Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the third floor got pissed off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, “You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw.”
The other guy replied, “I know, ?I was telling you that I was coming.”
Chris, via email
I used to run a lemonade stand where I would give people one free drink. I would then charge them £5 for the second glass.
The second glass contained the antidote.
One man turned to the other and said, “This book’s a real page-turner.”
The other said, “Yeah, I know how books work…”
Ian, via email
I had an awful day in my new job yesterday on the farm. Threshing machine tore both legs off.
Early days though, I’ll find my feet soon.
Ben S, Epping
On holiday in Thailand I went for a round of golf with the wife. On the first tee I pulled out the driver and gave it a couple of practice swings. The locals by the pro shop must’ve caught a glimpse and by the time I’d teed the ball up a small crowd had gathered. As I lined up the shot they shouted a few words of encouragement. A couple of waggles, one last look down the fairway and smack! 340 yards, straight down the middle. The locals went crazy, jumping up and down, cheering and I was soaking it up. I could hear them chanting “Tiger Woods! Tiger Woods! Tiger Woods!” and yeah, I was milking it. Pumping the air, blowing kisses, the works.
If instead I’d turned around and looked in the woods I probably would’ve seen the tiger mauling my wife.
Carl T, via email
Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my Pixar films.
“Okay,” I said, “you can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo, but I’m never gonna give you Up.”
A man with a whip just managed to crash a group of ladies into the side of my house.
Bloody women drivers.
Patrick W, Ealing
A dyslexic kid and his mum go out for lunch and she says to him, “What do you want to eat?”
He replies, “McDonald’s!”
The mum says, “You can have it if you can spell it.”
He thinks about this and then says, “Sod it, I’ll have KCF.”
Pete M, Devon
What did Big Ben say to the Leaning Tower of Pisa?
“I’ve got the time if you’ve got the inclination.”
Sammy, via email
A woman was complaining about her small breasts when one day, a genie appeared. He told her that every time a man says pardon, her breasts would increase in size. The next day, she bumped into a man. He said “Excuse me” and her breasts grew substantially.
Thrilled, she decided to treat herself to Chinese. As she walked in, she bumped into a Chinese man on the way out who quickly said, “A thousand pardons, miss.”
On the news that night the headline was, “Restaurant destroyed by mysterious explosion”.
A woman went into a pet shop and asked the owner if he had any parrots. The owner replied, “Sorry, I don’t have any at the moment.”
“Damn and blast!” said the woman, “I’ve been invited to a fancy dress party for the first time in my life and I want to go as a pirate. To do this, I have to be as authentic as possible. Hence the need for ?the parrot.”
“Well,” said the owner, “if you come back here next week, specifically on Thursday, I’m expecting a shipment from South America and I’ll be able to supply you with a parrot, guaranteed.”
“Damn and blast!” said the woman, “I can’t come on that day or for some time after.”
“Why not?” Asked the owner.
“Because that’s the day I’m having my leg amputated!”