Eagle-eyed readers might have spotted that, on Monday afternoon, we put out a survey looking to answer the definitive questions about Valentine's Day. How much should you spend? How much effort should you put in? And do we really have to care about it? About 500 of you told us, and now, usefully, we're telling you back. Ready yourselves.
What do you think of Valentine's Day?
23% of our readers thought that Valentine's Day is “a good excuse to be romantic, which is nice sometimes.” We're gonna say it, guys – you don't need an excuse to be romantic. If you want to turn off most, but not all, of the lights and whack on a Lionel Richie CD as your lady comes through the door, you should go for it on any day of the year. Conversely, 13% of men were of the opinion that Valentine's Day can “FUCK OFF AND DIE.” It's good to see British cynicism alive and well, still.
These people are actors and met just before this photo was taken
Do you have plans for Valentine's Day this year?
Shockingly, 49% had “no plan yet, but they might do later” when we asked the question a week before the big day. That's a lot of disappointed ladies and frantic purchasing of ready meals, then passing them off as home-cooked meals, right there.
When you have one, what's your standard Valentine's date?
The average Valentine's Date is, unsurprisingly, “drinks, dinner, and a movie maybe” - 44% of you voted for it, beating out “ordering a pizza and opening some wine” and “cooking something extravagant” by a clear margin. What does this teach us? Almost half the of the Valentine's Day dates the girl you're wooing on have been exactly the same. Switch it up. Some of the alternatives suggested by our readers:
- "Sex, Dominos Pizza, SEX, presents, going to Bath" (the capitalisation here implies that it's the city, and not the big white thing in your bathroom, which is weirdly specific. As is the ordering of the activities involved)
- "My girl is studying in Spain for the year so we're going to decide on something to cook at the same time and have our laptops open with Skype. we can then sit down and have our meal together, talk, and have a few drinks" (aw)
- "Dinner on the beach" (nice idea, but clearly not from one of our British readers)
This man is trying to hide flowers. He's not doing very well
What's the most you've ever spent on Valentine's Day celebrations?
Most of you had only spent between £1 and £50 on a lady (36%) with £51-£100 coming in fairly close behind (24%) - which rules out both a nice meal AND a present, so choose wisely. We're inclined to agree, having never splashed out a great deal on the ladyfolk and instead relying on our blistering levels of natural charm.
Incredibly, 17% of our readers have NEVER spent any money towards Valentine's Day celebrations whatsoever – no dinners, no presents, no treats, no marching bands, no skywriting. We're sort of proud of that, but in a way – a very real way – we think it's a bad idea. Get her a Twix or something, eh?
Have you ever sent a Valentine's Card to a third party when you're in a relationship with someone else?
Guys – good work. Really. 88% of you said that you would NEVER do this. We've all been in relationships where you're maybe not as happy as you could be, and none of us are saints – but by the point you're sending declarations of love to someone other than the person you're going out with, it's probably time to consider splitting up. Plus, you know, what if your girlfriend found out? That's some messy shit, right there.
This could be you! Although, y'know, hopefully you'd look less awkward
Would you describe yourself as “romantic?”
Most of you answered “yes” to this (46%), but worryingly 31% of you answered “yes, but only if it leads to sex.” Women of Britain – almost a full third of men are liars. You heard it here first.
Has anyone ever sent you a Valentine's card or gift?
Crushingly, a full 25% of our readers answered “No” to this. On the off-chance a woman is reading this – if you fancy someone, send 'em a card. Chances are they've never had one before, and it'd brighten up their day. (Although be carefuly, actually, because 19% of men have received a card from someone who “wasn't their cup of tea.” Our advice is to try and be their cup of tea)
Look, it's the header image again!
Have you ever sent someone a card or gift anonymously?
Despite the cliché of unmarked Valentine's Cards, a full 58% of you have never ever done this. Not ever. Which makes sense, really – not only is it kind of counter-intuitive, but it probably leads to you coming across as either a) unassertive, which isn't exactly a turn on or b) already in a relationship. Neither are good. Go with the crowd on this one and whack your name on it, or don't send it at all.
So, there you go. On Monday, we're going to post up the best and worst Valentines' Day stories that you guys told us, and your survival tips for getting though. Until then, enjoy your weekend, and don't do anything we wouldn't do.