If the world's gonna end this year, you want to go down fighting. We tell you how. This week: the walking dead rise up and take the earth.

Possible causes:

These aren't in fact zombies, and are actually just fans of The Cure who were beaten up on the way home from a concert. Pic by Dave Hogg

Most likely: Mad/Evil/Morally Grey/Well-meaning but Bumbling Scientist infects patient zero with radical healing compound which mutates and causes them to hunger for flesh, spreading their infection across the world like bitey jam

Slightly less likely: Ancient cursed book unleashes powerful spell which animates a veritable army of undead using black magic, turns out to be a very early draft of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

Even less likely: Hell full; dead rise, walk earth

Plausibility: 1/5

Unlike a lot of the less exciting and more realistic apocalypses, zombie armageddon has almost no evidence in its favour. Aside from an old-timey voodoo brainwashing scam and a fungus that manipulates the brains of ants, there's not a lot pointing to the possibility of a worldwide viral outbreak with symptoms that animate the dead and make 'em famished for delicious human brains.

Still, it'd be fun to go balls-out with a shotgun and machete, no?

Preparedness Difficulty: 2/5

This poor zombie left something in her car, and now can't get it out because she no longer understands what keys are. Pic by Moggs Oceanlane

You're gonna need water, canned goods and weapons.¹

Beans are a great source of protein, although consider branching out into spaghetti hoops or ravioli to add a bit of variety – just because it's the end of the world doesn't mean you have to go unsatisfied at mealtimes. We recommend against purchasing Breakfast in a can, as combining the taste of it with the crushing despair of eking out a survival amidst the hordes may lead to murder-suicide.

Weapons are the real kicker, living as we do in jolly old England where the closest you can get to a semi-automatic battle rifle is a thrown crumpet and some stern muttering. Shotguns - the poor man's thrown crumpet - are available, but less than ideal. As Max Brooks says in his book The Zombie Survival Guide, “the longer the range, the greater the pellet dispersal pattern, and the lesser chance of skull penetration.”

You're far better off getting a sturdy crowbar. Aside from the fact that it's an excellent shape to crack open zombie skulls, it doesn't run out of ammo, and you can use it to break into next door's house after they flee the country. Were you ever jealous of their TV? Come the apocalypse, it can be yours.

Survival technique:

Again, The Zombie Survival Guide proves invaluable and not a little scarily detailed. Brooks advises staying the hell at home, ceding the lower floor, and destroying your staircase so them zeds can't come up and bite your face off. Hopefully, what's left of the military will arrive soon – and if they don't, work in teams and use silent weapons and scouts to acquire supplies without alerting the horde.

Likelihood of Death: 3/5

This man is upset because the zombies behind him are rubbing his back too hard, and it feels uncomfortable rather than relaxing. Photo by Dave Hogg

Assuming you brought enough cans of beans and don't mind spending the End Times smelling a bit like old farts, you'll probably be fine. The problem will come when you run out of supplies or try to save someone, and have to venture outside.

You'd like to think you'd be a badass zombie killer. Sure you would. But really, the one time you got in a proper fight you were really only circling and shouting a lot to stall things, desperately hoping your friends would come and pull you away from your assailant and assure you that he simply wasn't worth the bother of beating up, not that you're a noodle-armed sissy who still gets nervous when drunk guys ask him for change.

So, odds are you'd probably die and join the zombies - not only betraying your friends by dying but also making it harder for them in the coming months by becoming an ambulatory corpse, you selfish bastard.

What you'll miss most:

Your girlfriend's face; at least, your girlfriend's face when it's not half-ripped apart and smashing itself against the living room window.

Make it look good:

We're not super sure why this zombie has a dummy, or why it was stitched together, or why it's plumped for a gingham bikini. Still, it looks cheery about everything so top marks there

If you're willing to go out dramatically, riding a car into a big knot of zombies and detonating it in a kamikaze-esque fireball is good; standing atop a pile of corpses and taking as many with you as possible to let your friends escape is better, especially if you manage to do it in a leather jacket. In fact, buy one now (Topman has some reasonable offers) and store it alongside your beans, in case this happens.

Next week: VOLCANOES!

1 For the cash-strapped amongst you, canned goods double up as weapons if you put them in a football sock and swing them around your head