10 Pee near others
“Mmmm, the sea’s so warm and relaxing, I’m so glad I came for a dip right after that delicious super-sized chocolate milkshake. Uh oh, what’s that feeling in my bladder? But my girlfriend is only a foot away. She won’t know, right? I mean, the sea’s kind of choppy and there’s a warm current anyway. OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, IT’S A NUMBER TWO…”
09 Sleep outdoors
If you get shitfaced and spend the night sleeping outdoors in Britain, then your evening has probably gone a bit wrong. Do it three nights in a row, and you’ve technically become a homeless alcoholic. But wake up on a Spanish beach with a crushing hangover and a crab on your face, and you’re King Party of Funtown. Shake that sand off and let’s do it all again!
08 Drink colourful cocktails
Why glug a boring pint of lager when you can raise your eyebrow seductively at the hot barmaid while ordering a Screaming Orgasm or a Slippery Nipple? Who cares if it turns your piss blue and gives you an epic two-day hangover, you’re on holiday goddamit and if you want to decorate your beverage with a cocktail umbrella and some decorative fruit, no one’s going to stop you.
07 Hire a ridiculous bike
If you and your mates were to ride around your local streets on a bright yellow bike thing with a funny little roof and a Mickey Mouse flag, then you’d be laughed out of town, and rightly so. But somehow, with the Mediterranean breeze in your hair and the sunshine dancing across your shoulders, it all just feels so right…
06 Wear a string vest
Don a string vest in your local Yates’s and girls run a mile. But on the beach, a holey wifebeater no longer says “Rab C Nesbitt circa 1996”, it says “I’m a man who has the courage to make bold fashion choices.” Ladies, watch out.
05 Smoke weird fags
The health warning is a photo of a dog smoking a ciggie accompanied by the words ‘La fumar es bueno!’ They contain 25 grams of tar and the head rush is akin to that time you accidentally smoked crack. Still, they cost less than half a pack of ten B&H in the UK, so who gives a shit? You only need one lung anyway, don’t you?
04 Drink booze at 9.30am
In most circumstances, pre-lunchtime drinking in the UK is not cool: you only have to look at the shaky-handed, grey-faced zombies shuffling around outside Wetherspoons at opening time to know that. On holiday, however, time becomes an abstract concept: everything is permitted at any time of the day. Cerveza and Corn Flakes for brekkie it is.
03 Catch an STI
Eight snogs, two handjobs, a cheeky blowy and a shag – my word, that was a successful holiday. But hold on a minute, what are those red pimples on your todger? And why does it burn so much when you pee? Turns out those crustaceans that nibbled on your toes in the sea weren’t the only crabs you encountered. Still, she was really fit, so the prospect of infertility is totally worth it.?
02 Be interested in fish
Until now, your interest in marine life peaked when you won that goldfish at the fair. But in the clear blue sea, the smallest, dullest, most pointless little fishy fills you with awe and wonder, prompting you to spend 65 euros on a top-end snorkel and underwater camera from the hotel gift shop.
01 Eat insects
“Mate, why would they sell skewered scorpions if they weren’t edible?” your chum asks, passing a handful of local banknotes to a smiling, toothless street-food vendor. “They’ve probably been eating these here for centuries.” By the time you notice that all the locals are in fact dining at the nearest McDonald’s, you’re picking pieces of arachnid shell out of your teeth and wiping vomit off your trainers.