The holiday wingman that’s more important than your passport

Posted by , 06 September 2013

How to build your perfect holiday crew

How to build your perfect holiday crew

  • #08

    Last minute, sun chasing holiday anyone? Just don't be one of these guys....

  • Introduction
  • #06

    How to talk to girls when you don’t speak the language

It's that time of year again when perfectly normal guys head off on boozy holidays with their mates and undergo that mystical transformation from well-balanced bloke to terrifying stereotype. It happens to even the best of us.

But which 'lads on tour' caricature are you? Find out below with FHM's handy guide...


Relatively quiet back in Blighty, Mr Wildcard suddenly becomes a whirlwind of entertainingly random lunacy the moment he steps off the plane. But beware: it’s all fun and games when he’s pretending to be a Portuguese billionaire to 50-something divorcees; it’s less hilarious when you’re being thrown out of a bar because Wildcard made sweet, enthusiastic love to a jug of sangria.  

Never looking less than Gillette-advert pretty – even when sporting a hangover that’s making his knees buckle – Mr Handsome is the walking, talking honey-trap of the group. Choose a bar, position him in open view, and let him draw the ladies in like a human Jimmy Choo sale. Be sure to keep him as preened, groomed and spotless as you would a prize horse.

Having just split up with his long-term girlfriend, Mr Heartbreak is, initially, something of a lovelorn downer. But watching him go from maudlin (“Jackie would’ve loved this sunset [sob]...”) to boozily lairy (“Smell my fingers!”) is as heartwarming as seeing an injured baby chimp nursed back to health and then returned to the wild.  

At the start, Mr Highbrow is less about the nightlife and more about the day trips: local vineyards, historical landmarks, picturesque views, blah de blargh. Your challenge lies in dragging him right down into the gutter via a steady stream of flaming sambucas, cheesy Europop and whooping hen-party hotties.

Sadly (ie. hilariously), Mr Peaktoosoon’s revved-up over-keenness to “Get fuckin’ on it” is his instant undoing: after his first, dementedly hedonistic night out, he’ll spend the remainder of the holiday nursing an apparently endless hangover, a worryingly itchy ballbag and a seeping and infected new back-tattoo that reads “UK g@ng$ta KrU 2012!!!”


Words: Joe Madden

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