It's been raining solidly since March and if you're anything like us, you've burned every item of summery clothing in a fit of rage. Good for you, screw those string vests, what use are they when you're knee deep in lukewarm rainwater, eh? No flippin' use at all.
What you really need is one of those yellow rubber isolation suits with an umbrella soldered to the helmet and flippers on the feet but while we wait for one of those to be made, here are the five semi-trendy flash flood items you need in your life.
1. Diem Angling Apparel's Pacaway jacket and trousers
Cost: £65, diem-angling.com
Though they may be the colour of gangrenous olives or three-week-old bogies, Diem's waterproof clobber is perfect for wading to the shops to get the paper in the morning.
2. Cote & Ciel Waterproof backpack
Worried about how you'll keep that photo of you and Pamela Anderson from 2001 from becoming pulpy rain-ravaged mush? Fear not, aging Baywatch fan, store your most sacred possessions in this slick waterproof bag.
3. ION Water Rocker Waterproof Floating Speakers
Cost: £80, johnlewis.com
Though your telly may be fucked by the flood water, these magical high-tech speakers will still blast out your favourite tunes whilst floating in the river that used to be your front room.
4. Osprey Swim Mask and Snorkel
Cost: £6, towsure.com
For when the shit really hits the fan. As the water levels rise the only safe way to sleep without choking on a goldfish will be by wearing one of these babies.
5. A Bestway Voyager 500 Rubber Raft
Cost: £66, amazon.co.uk
One of these beasts is big enough for the whole family, if your family is limited to two parents and two children that weigh under 225kgs total that is. Sadly, you'll have to leave flabby granny at home if you want to escape to dry land unscathed.