Are England making you lose your World Cup boner? Avoid the dreaded FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out)? Here are 9 ways to endure the rest of the World Cup if England do go out...
08 Deploy a drinking game
Competitive (yet responsible) drinking livens everything up. Before every match, buy 12 beers and a bottle of spirits.
The beer: take a swig if the ref whistles and down it for goals.
The spirits: a shot for every free kick, corner, throw-in or yellow card.
Don’t forget – doubles for penalties!
07 Flee to America
Can't handle having football rubbed in your face at every opportunity? Then you need some distance; and you know who doesn't give a shit about the World Cup? The USA. You can't smother ‘soccer’ in bacon and cheese, so frankly, they’re not interested.
If you’re determined to avoid the whole thing, then get your arse over to the States for the month. Be warned – if you find football grindingly boring, try sitting through an entire game of baseball. It’s like watching a thick kid struggle with a simple sum for three hours.
Still, the chilli hotdogs almost make up for it.
06 Bet a grand
It’s impossible not to become invested in something when the outcome means the difference between paying your rent this month or not.
Place a £1,000 bet on the outcome of any World Cup match – even ones between teams from nations you couldn't point to on a map – and we guarantee you’ll be glued to the box as if it were showing live footage of the Moon exploding.
If you’re crazy-rich, make the bet £10,000; if you’re Kanye-rich, make it a cool £1million.
05 Pretend it’s a video game
Take two console joypads and tape the leads round the back of the telly so you and a mate can pretend you’re controlling the on-pitch action. Marvel at those graphics! Be dazzled by the convincing commentary! This is proper, next-level gaming.
04 Do ‘30 days of gay’
If you can somehow hypnotise yourself into ‘switching teams’ for the rest of the month, you’re in for the erotic roller coaster ride of your life.
Thirty days of muscular, fashionably groomed men in shorts, getting all riled up and sweaty as they lunge at each other's balls. You will, of course, need to split up with your girlfriend/wife for the duration, but she'll be totally cool with it once you explain everything as a coping mechanism for England's downfall.
03 Clueless? Go undercover
There’s a delicious thrill to be had in passing yourself off as a hardcore footie-head when you don’t even know who finished top of the Premier League this year.
Disguise yourself in a knock off shirt and head to a pub with a match on, and yell at that TV with all your heart, “This ref is a dickhead!” and “Pass! Pass! Paaass!” or “Move faster, son!” – you know, that kinda thing.
Go the whole 90 minutes without being rumbled and you might want to consider a career with MI6.
02 Have sex during a match
There’s nothing quite like the feeling of being cheered on by a stadium’s-worth of roaring fans as you give your lady a thorough humping on the sofa.
Ideally, you’ll want to synchronise yourself with the match so that your ‘moment of release’ coincides with a really spectacular goal – not easy, but totally worth it.
01 Ruin it for everyone else
Have fun by knackering everyone else’s fun during matches: let off hangover-times-vindaloo guffs in packed pubs; wear a comically enormous sombrero and block everyone’s view; sob loudly throughout the entire 90 minutes.
Words by Joe Madden