Sick notes were essentially the Willy Wonka’s Golden Ticket of term time. With one of those bad boys clutched in your hand, anything was possible: you could get out of PE, leave school entirely, or even force the headmaster to dance on his desk like a performing circus bear (we never tried the last one, but apparently it’s true).

Here are a few pointers for drafting the perfect sick note to get you off your day job.



Keep a grisly photograph of your enflamed tonsils (taken during a particularly virulent infection) on your phone. Next time you need a day off, send it to your boss with the words, “Is this a normal amount of pus?” Or at the very least, fake a really impressive sick note from your doctor...

Cover your tracks


Never phone in sick. You will involuntarily begin doing an “ill person voice” that fools no one. Even if you are genuinely sick.


The ultimate lie


One word is capable of striking fear into the hearts of all teachers: nits. So why not tell your boss those hair-hungry bastards are now on you? Worse that could happen is they make you shave all your hair off.