A doctor walks into his office, where a patient is anxiously awaiting results from a blood test. ‘Mr Stirling, I’m not going to mess you around,’ the medic announces. ‘There’s good news and bad news. Which do you want?’

‘Give me the bad stuff,’ replies the man. Calmly, the doc says, ‘You’ve got 48 hours to live.’ His patient howls, claws his hair and moans, ‘Oh my God, what am I going to do? Surely there must be a cure!’ ‘Of course not,’ says the doctor, gruffly.

‘But I thought you said there was some good news,’ sobs the man.

‘Oh yes, that’s right – there is,’ replies the quack, cheerfully. ‘Remember the beautiful nurse at reception when you came in?’ ‘Yes,’ replies the puzzled patient. ‘Well,’ says the doctor, leaning over to whisper. ‘I’m shagging her.’