A selection of jokes that have nothing to do with Christmas, because you'll get enough of that from your crackers, and they're never good. Here are our reader's latest offerings:
The truth hurts
I went round my mate’s house yesterday and his kids were running round the place screaming. He looked at me and said, “Don’t ever have kids, mate.”
I said, “Hard work?”
He said, “No, you’re ugly.”
Gary S, via email
The other day in a night club, while looking across the room, I caught a glimpse up a girl’s skirt and saw she had ‘Eat Me’ branded across the front of her thong.
I chuckled to myself for a moment and then thought, why would anyone want to eat underwear?
Went to a ’70s disco the other night. Bought all sorts of cool gear, too: platform boots, coloured flares, an afro wig...
But in retro specs I looked a twat.
Bill, via email
Eye of the beholder
A 17-year-old boy was riding the bus home from college and there was a gorgeous blonde girl sat across the aisle from him. He kept checking her out, but lacked the nerve to talk to her. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards him. He reached out and snatched it out of the air.
“Oh my god, I am so sorry,” the girl said as she popped her eye back into place. “Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.”
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the girl invited him to go with her to a movie. She paid for everything, including a taxi-cab ride for the two of them to her house.
She kissed him passionately and asked him if he wanted to stay the night. He readily agreed and they enjoyed fantastic sex.
The next morning, he felt compelled to ask her: “Do you make a habit of sleeping with guys you’ve only just met?”
“No,” she replied, “you just happened to catch my eye.”
Tom H, via email
Sly and Arnie
Following the success of The Expendables a film director asks Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger to work together on his new film about classical composers. Not knowing what parts to allocate them, he asks Stallone who he’d like to be.
“I want to be Mozart,” responds Sly.
“And you Arnie?” asks the director
“I’ll be Bach!”
I was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked.
So I clicked ‘Add to cart’.
Writing on the wall
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’.
You probably saw our posters.
Tom, via email
A distinguished looking young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Excuse me, Father, may I ask a favour?”
“Of course, my dear. What may I do for you?”
“Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”
Dwayne, via email