New career
My girlfriend is a porn star. 
She’s going to be so pissed off when she finds out.
- James, Brighton
I love parks. I was standing in one today wondering why frisbees get larger the closer they get.
And then it hit me...
- Stewart Francis, comedian
Borrowed Time
Man goes into the library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says: “Bugger off, you won’t bring it back!”
- Joe, Berlin
Come dine with me
A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. Their waitress, taking an order at another table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared. The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”
The woman calmly looked up at her and said: “No, he didn’t. He just walked in.”
- Steve, Liverpool
Cartoon illustration of suggestive restaurant scene
What’s blue and can’t sing?
The band Blue
- Wes, via email
(We are so sorry, Eurovision)
Citrus Sleuth
Holmes and Watson were sitting in Holmes’ study and the topic of discussion turned to homosexuality. Watson said to Holmes: “So, Holmes have you ever tried it, you know, had sex... with a man?”
“No,” Holmes replied. “Have you?” “No” said Watson. “Well Watson, I think it’s about time we tried it. Go over to that table, drop your trousers and bend over.”
Watson does so, and Holmes walks up behind him, drops his own trousers, places a lemon on the table and cuts it in half. He proceeds to squeeze the lemon up Watson’s arse. “What the Dickens are you doing Holmes?” splutters a startled Watson.
Holmes smiles and replies: “A lemon entry, my dear Watson.”
- Ali, St. John's Wood
I got banned from the Mile High Club the other day.
Couldn’t give a flying fuck.
- Sean Hegarty, Comedian
My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.
Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
- Grant, Bristol
“Hi mate. I don’t want you to panic, but I’m texting you from casualty.
Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn’t what I thought it was.”
- Alan, Inverness
Water Shortage
Last summer I set up a colonic irrigation clinic.
The hosepipe ban hit us hard.
- Milton Jones, Comedian
Sir Alex Ferguson and Kenny Dalglish walk into a bar.
The barman says: “Sorry Kenny, over 18s only.”
- Chris, Carlisle
Did you hear about the three-legged man tripping over the bearded lady and headbutting Johnny The Dog Boy?
 It was a freak accident.
- Carl, Sydney, Australia