A selection of one-liners, two-liners and too-many-to-count-liners that might just get you alerting everyone within earshot to our readers' hilarity:
What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the petting zoo.
Sean, via email
Sting in the tail
I just opened my wheelie bin and a wasp flew out. What kind of sicko would throw a wasp into a bin?
Tom, via email
My wife told me she wanted the ‘magic’ back in our sex life, just like the good old days.
She didn’t seem at all impressed when I brought a rabbit into the bedroom.
A man and his wife were supposed to go to a costume party together one Halloween, but when the time came to go to the party, the woman told him to go on without her, because she said she had a terrible headache. The man reluctantly did, and the suspicious wife decided to see just how faithful her man really was. She put on a different costume and went to the party. When she got there she saw her husband dancing with a young girl in a sexy costume. Now, even more suspicious, she decided to really put him to the test. She danced with him and whispered that they should sneak into a bedroom. She insisted they leave the masks on and had sex with him. Fuming, she ran home to wait for his return. When he got there, she innocently asked if he’d had fun. He told her he hadn’t. After a few minutes at the party, he and some guys had gone across the street to play poker. He added, “The guy who borrowed my costume said he had a hell of a time, though!”
I was walking down the beach in my Speedos wondering why I kept getting dirty looks.
Turns out both my ‘S’s had fallen off.
I bought a can of fly spray the other day. I asked the shopkeeper if it was any good for wasps. He said, “Nah, it kills them!”
Harry, via email
A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, “Here’s to 51 days!” and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to “line ’em up”, and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.
The bartender says, “I don’t get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?”
One of the blondes explains, “We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box ‘2-4 years’, but we finished it in 51 days!”
Snaith, via email
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, ?I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the garden. That is where I hid all the money.”
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, you wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear Wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce.”
John, via email
A man trying to understand the nature of God asked him: “God, how long is a million years to you?” God answered: “A million years is like a minute.” Then the man asked: “God, how much is a million dollars to you?” And God replied: “A million dollars is like a penny.” Finally, the man asked: “God, could you give me a penny?”
And God said, “In a minute.”
Paul Ingram, Cardiff
Last night I saw a charity appeal on TV saying that because of all the chemicals being dumped into the sea many species of seaweed are dying and if we don’t do something now they could disappear forever.
How could I ignore such a desperate cry for kelp?
Bill, via email
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over on Friday night to have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and “do it” for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the till, the chemist asks the boy how many he’d like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents’ house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in.” The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. ?Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, “I had no idea you were so religious.”
The boy turns and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”
Biff, via email