Education Secretary Michael Gove thinks that it'd be a really good idea to spend sixty million quid on a boat for the Queen, on account of her Diamond Jubilee. We don't. Especially if it's coming out of the taxpayer's collective pocket.1
Sixty million quid is a lot of quid. If you tried to carry that around in your pocket, no matter how large the denomination of coin, you'd find yourself needing a new pair of trousers pretty quickly. And probably a new set of legs to replace the gross crushed ones stuck to your lower body, buried under tons of valuable shrapnel.
But if you are going to spend £60m on a yacht for her majesty, in addition to all the other stuff she's getting – and the Government aren't officially doing this at time of writing, we should stress, this is just the opinion of the guy in charge of Education and possibly the Prime Minister, it's all pretty vague – then you might as well divide the money up to get her some more impressive gifts. Viz:
~The FHM Diamond Jubilee Gift Guide~
ACTUAL TOP SECRET PROTOTYPE IMAGE
- Robotic Corgis, specially developed to watch over her majesty forever, will protect the Queen with razor-sharp teeth, infra-red vision, heartbeat sensors and guns hidden under their tickly bellies. Advanced versions will come with the capacity to travel through time and a pressing urge to hunt and kill John Connor
- Stairlifts, everywhere. Just, you know, anywhere the Queen might want to go at some point in the future that doesn't have lift or ramp access
- Prince Charles to be replaced with a giant diamond which will perform much the same function as existing Prince but a) look better and b) focus the sun's energy into a searing beam of light
Despite heavy protestations, Kate refused to go easy on the St Tropez
- Royal Banana boat to perform all functions of Royal Yacht, but with far more value for money and an inherent “fun in the sun” Mediterranean attitude. Matching his and hers flotation vests, suitably monogrammed, also included
- Hiring a four-piece Dancehall band to play Here Comes The Hotstepper by Ini Kamoze wherever the Queen goes, no matter the time of day or occasion, until the end of her natural life
- Jubilee Underground line to be repainted in diamond-sheen paint and a massive procession to carry her majesty on an oversized, diamond-studded throne all the way from Stanmore to Stratford
- Queen to forego yacht and instead give every adult in England a large bag of chips instead – we've done the maths and this would actually work as long as no-one ordered curry sauce
'You best watch yourself, punk, else I pop a cap in yo' ass' intoned the Queen, before whipping the front of the gun across the child's face as The Duke of Edinburgh looked on and laughed
- Twin Golden AK47s with diamond detailing, red-dot laser sights and explosive rounds will come in handy once civilisation crumbles and the masses surge into the palace, allowing the Queen to go out in style by firing one in each hand
1 It's not, now, apparently. Sort of. Still, that money's gotta come from somewhere
Special edition! Flip for FHM Bionic with Joey Barton
- The 10 new rules of losing your gut!
- How to beat the supermarket!
- Grooming essentials!
- Danny Care's 28-day gym routine!
- Your gym true stories!
- Special quizzes: Which runner or biker are you?
- Loads of pills!
