The Bank of England has released a new-style £50 note today, which is great news if you're the sort of person who's rich enough to deal in pieces of paper worth fifty quid but who inexplicably can't use a credit card. Gangsters? High-end market traders? Who uses £50 notes? We don't know.

The new design features some old-fashioned industrial blokes (yawn) and a high tech anti-forgery strip, which has holographic stuff printed on it that apparently shifts around when you tilt the note. We haven't seen one in person, even though we wrote to the Bank of England and asked really nicely for a review copy. Humph.

But the £50 note is BORING. It should be EXCITING. Here are some of our proposed improvements to it, which are to be honest a little late now:

Mr T on a banknote
Don't print this out, guys. That'd be forgery

·Queen to be replaced with picture of Mr T. “I pity the fool who don't  honour this promissary note!”

· Holographic strip to be updated with continually rolling LEDs that spell the word 'WONGA' in rainbow colours

· Internal ultra-thin microchip and speaker combination plays different inspirational songs depending on how note is folded. Origami dog plays Chumbawumba's Tubthumping

· Full instructions for using the note to locate, purchase and snort cocaine printed on reverse

Boris Johnson on a banknote

· Queen to be replaced with Boris Johnson, yawning expansively

· Vibration function

· Waterproof coating to stop it getting mangled in the wash

· Pheremones imprinted on the bill release a chemical aura of success and wealth around you whenever it is removed from wallet

· Queen to giggle coquettishly when tickled under the chin, will occasionally wink at bearer

· Rich creamy filling

· Queen, all others to be replaced with explosions