If you’re a person with eyes and a healthy interest in things that happen in the opening pages of newspapers, then you’re probably aware that we have a problem. A very large problem.
They’re coming over in their droves, they’re living on our streets, they’re stealing our food and they’re making old people speak loudly and fondly of the ‘golden days’ before they came over and fucked everything up. The times when you didn’t even have to lock your doors at night.
We are of course talking about giant rats. More specifically, giant mutant rats. Rats with the eyes of bloodthirsty killers and a taste for processed food and cats. It’s always cats.
It started in Sweden with the discovery of a 16inch, full-grown ratty bastard in a family’s kitchen. Oh how we laughed at the time. “Look at those Swedes with their sanitary problems, they can’t even control their own rodents.” But now they’ve invaded Britain too. Just last week some poor bugger discovered a 2ft monster rustling around their home. Another person, good old Sarah from Gravesend, Kent was so alarmed she sent in this picture of one she’d spotted to BBC Radio 2s Jeremy Vine.
Which tells us three things: firstly, the people of Kent don’t really understand the glaringly obvious compatibility issues of a photograph and the medium of radio, secondly that the public is getting worried and finally, that we just really love taking pictures of rats.
And it’s getting worse. Pest controller Marcus Giusti told The Mirror that he was: “Shocked by the number and size of rats recently.” And if a man that sees rats every single day is getting shocked then you know we better sit up and take stock.
“It hasn’t been cold enough to kill rats off this winter. There’s an endless amount of food in the sewers where they live and if they’re living longer and eating lots, they’ll be getting bigger,” he went on to say.
Sure, at the moment they’re easily foiled by things like escalators but pretty soon they’ll probably be human sized, driving cars, pinching your cigarettes and training up groups of turtles into nunchuk wielding ninjas. It’s bloody terryfing.
Have you seen a massive rat? Is this the first sign of the apocalypse? Or are there just a lot of people with really small hands holding up average sized rodents out there?