Burn after reading

Finally went for a date with the most beautiful girl at university.
Katie was gorgeous, and the date was great. So great that we went back to mine for coffee.
Sadly, someone had left their shopping on the floor in the kitchen. I tripped.
Boiling hot black coffee steamed off the once beautiful skin revealed by her slinky low-cut halter top. Our fledgling relationship ended with Katie walking home, on her own, with a box of frozen chicken pies between her bra.
Caleb, Norwich

Mum’s the word

“Not technically a break-up, but this cringeing moment was the result of one. Me and my then partner had decided to take a break, to see what would happen in the future. The upshot was that I moved back in with my parents – not good when you’re 33. I had been living alone for the last ten years and was more than used to my own independence.
As soon as I unpacked my bag I got hit with full ‘mum mode’, explaining how the washing machine worked, how to adjust the temperature in the shower, all very patronising. I had been there for about a week and was feeling really depressed about life in general. My mum and dad, meaning well but falling short, decided I needed perking up by feeding me large gin and tonics for the evening and going over all old family stories.
By the time they turned in for the night I was plastered. As I sat alone downstairs contemplating life I could hear ominous creaking noises coming from their bedroom. I decided to text my brother the good news: ‘Having a shit time here, Mum being way too much, to make it worse I can hear Dad going at her upstairs. I am in hell.’
I sent the message and then heard a text alert go off upstairs. It was then that I drunkenly checked my sent items and realised to my horror I’d drunkenly mixed up the ‘recent recipients’ list and sent the message to my mum.
Breakfast was fun the next morning, as you can imagine.”
Harry, via email

What a catch

“I am a woman and am not proud of my actions, or the situation I put myself into. I’d been having an on-off relationship with my boss, a loathsome alcoholic with a terrible snoring disorder.
One heinous night, we were lying on the bed, him asleep. I was pretty much dressed as it was 4am and was trying to be bothered to get up and go home. Suddenly he let rip with the most almighty fart. This did not amuse me. The smell was indescribable and, worst of all, it was of such volume that he’d woken himself up. Impressive I have to admit.
Shaking his head, he jumped off the bed and shot into the bathroom. Within seconds, I heard the sound of snoring coming from the toilet.
But after a moment I realised that the smell was still lingering and, peeling open my own bloodshot eyes, I noticed the dark stain on the sheets. The dirty bastard. It was all over, and I don’t just mean all over the sheets.
Hurriedly, I pulled on the rest of my clothes, but couldn’t find my right boot. Turning on the light, I nearly fainted: he hadn’t just followed through but had actually released a whole live otter all over the sheets. There it sat, coiled on the bed, looking at me. Had he been facing the other way, he’d have shat on me.
I turned the light off, ran out, jumped in my car and fled home. I was so traumatised I had to wake my flatmate who laughed herself silly. Then she sat up.
‘Er, you turned the light off?’
‘So he would have woken up on the toilet... decided it was time to go back to bed... got back in it in the dark...’
We’ll leave it there.”
Claire, via email

Sky craptain

“My friend Tom once dated an amazing looking air stewardess. God knows how he managed it, she was a proper 6ft blonde like off the Virgin adverts – really beautiful. They’d been on a couple of dates and it was going well. They arranged to meet on St Patrick’s Day for another date but Tom decided he wanted to go out with his mates and made up a bullshit excuse about not feeling well. In, the local Irish dive bar, McCluskys, he bumped into an old flame and ended up kissing her – just as the air stewardess walked in on an impromptu night out with all her Amazonian mates. Oof.”
Nathan, via email

Video nasties

“When I was 16, I had a girlfriend who was your stereotypical daughter-of-the-vicar, shy, country girl type. We were both virgins; I was incredibly horny, sadly she most definitely wasn’t.
She rang me up one day telling me that her parents were out and that I should come round later so we could have ‘fun’. Imagining the delights that lay ahead of me, I quickly agreed. I went to her house that evening wearing disgusting aftershave, and with a multipack of condoms shoved into my coat pocket, assuming she’d suddenly become a sex fiend.
After a bit of snogging on the couch, she went ‘to get the videos’, at which point I practically had a heart attack. Assuming it would be epic porn contraband, I took the liberty of undressing myself fully, and getting my soldier prepared to march into battle.
Needless to say, when she came back laden with chick flicks for a night of conversation, finding my naked self on her living room couch came as quite a surprise. It didn’t last much longer. And the last thing she saw was my quickly wilting self legging it away meekly.”
Anon, via email

Shout out

“It was our end of year disco, we’d finished our exams and pre-credit crunch the world was an oyster filled to bursting with shiny, shiny pearls. I was happy, clever and in a relationship with a woman I might very well have loved. The music was loud and we were all buzzing from the numerous glugs of booze we were slipping out for. I was with some mates when my girlfriend came up, shouting over the music. I couldn’t hear over the DJ. So she went and borrowed his microphone and told me via the medium of several large speakers, that I was, in fact, now single. In hindsight, she could have gesticulated ‘let’s go outside’ but no. She chose this method. Thank God I was leaving that school.”
Sam, via email

Liar, liar

“The first girl I ever kissed shall remain nameless. But it went something like this. I phoned her up, and suggested that we go out somewhere. She said she couldn’t because her mum had grounded her for smoking. That was fair enough so I said we’d sort something out when she wasn’t grounded. A few days later I found out (from a number of reliable sources) that she hadn’t been grounded for smoking. ‘Oh no, I’d been lied to,’ I thought, somewhat melodramatically. No, she’d been grounded because her mum had found the packet for the morning after pill in her bedroom. She’d been shagging around. To be honest, that put a dampener on any further potential relationship. The bitch, stringing me along like some kind of needy marionette.
To add insult to injury, a couple of years later I found out that she’d told several of her friends that I was gay, which seemed grossly unfair.”
Bim, via email

Holiday hell

“I’d started going out with a girl whose family were really into holidays. During one of their vacation discussions her mum asked me what trips I’d been on (I’d only ever been to Wales) and for some reason I told her that I’d been to Florida. Turns out that Florida was their dream destination and they began asking me lots of questions about it. We’d now been going out for around a year and Christmas was coming up and both sets of parents were asking if it would be a good idea for us all to meet up.
I knew the topic of holidays would come up. I lost sleep over it, and instead of coming clean to my girlfriend and her parents, I came clean to my parents. And this is why I’ll love them forever. They went along with the lie. It was horrible, and I couldn’t wait to break up with her so that the lie could die with our love.”
Rob, via email

I’m sorry, you’re woofed

My friend had been shagging a girl for a couple of weeks on and off and naturally we were all keen to meet/assess her in the pleasant way mates feel they have to.
We were waiting in the pub for her to arrive and he was genuinely pleased as punch. After an hour waiting, he (against our advice) went outside and gave her mobile a ring. When he came back inside, he looked puzzled and a little angry. We asked what had happened and he said, “It turns out she’s developed Tourette’s and can’t ever leave her house again…” Us – all blank faced.
“Then she barked like a dog.” Pretty epic.
Paul, London


“First girl I ever asked out screamed, ‘No!’ and punched me in the face. I sort of gave up then.”
Pete, Exeter

More Funny stuff on FHM.com:

1/ Bloke Test: Noel Clarke v Cary Elwes
2/ "Wow, you're glowing..."
3/ Modern life is rubbish
4/ Dumb News
5/ What do you like waking up to in the morning?