In the least surprising announcement since Carlos Tevez said he wouldn’t be going to Roberto Mancini’s house for Sunday lunch this week, Eddie Murphy yesterday announced that he was no longer going to be hosting next year’s Oscars.
So, we pondered, who the hell should?
Following E-Murph’s departure, the internet was awash with rumours that Kermit and co would be filling his boots. A Facebook page campaigning for them to host gathered over 35,000 likes in a matter of hours.
How it would turn out: everything would go wrong but in a charmingly hilarious way rather than a 'Oh no Kanye West is approaching the stage' kind of way, because that’s what happens when the Muppets are around.
Most likely to say: “Time's fun when you’re having flies!”
X Factor and Iceland’s finest Stacey is literally THE most breathlessly enthusiastic person ever. She’d combust with glee at the thought of a day out to Heathrow, let alone a trip Stateside to present the Oscars.
How it would turn out: things would start off awkwardly as no one would understand a thing she said, but then she’d win them round with a bountiful finger buffet of breaded beige stuff.
Most likely to say: “Oh-my-God-this-is-amazing! Who-wants-a-kiev?”
A killer whale off of Frozen Planet
At 9pm every Wednesday we stop what we’re doing for an hour of enchantment staring at endless sheets of ice and some waddling penguins. We had no idea just how intelligent killer whales are; it’d be like a marine Stephen Fry doing the honours. AND they come pre-wrapped in a tux.
How it would turn out: BRILLIANTLY. Or… maybe a bit like Free Willy but without the part where he survives.
Most likely to say: “Cick-cick-cick-snarrrrr-cick-cick-cick.”
Where does Louis Walsh go for the nine months of the year when The X Factor's not on? He's like a leprechaun Santa or a hibernating bear of teary emotion.
How it would turn out: A disaster. Let's face it.
Most likely to say: "You're American. You're 33. You're an actor. You're in a film. You're wearing a suit. You've got two arms and two legs. A million percent yes!"
Italy’s Prime Minister and chief lothario will be out of a job soon, so will have plenty of time to prepare a speech about how he's actually quite tall and they've just made the statuettes a lot bigger this year.
How it would turn out: A sexy bunga bunga party of iniquity. A ratings dream but a censor’s nightmare.
Most likely to say: “Oscar? Who is this Oscar? Ah mamma mia, did I asleep with da wife?”