We're all agreed that super-buffoon FIFA head cheese Sepp Blatter should go, right? Having him in charge is like perusing the Yellow Pages for a removal company and thinking "Hmm, the Chuckle Brothers, they sound good," hiring them, and then lacing their morning cuppa with MDMA.
We wouldn't trust the 75-year-old Swiss to look after a used tissue, let alone the beautiful game on a global scale.
But, the big question is:
WHO SHOULD REPLACE SEPP BLATTER?
(told you it was big)
The Marine who took Mila Kunis to the ball
Bonus points if you remember us telling you, way back in July, that a Marine called Sergeant Scott Moore had asked FHM’s favourite smokey-eyed actress Mila Kunis to be his date for the Marine Corps Ball and she’d said yes. We were a bit upset about it at the time, but we’re over it now. Kind of. A bit. In a ‘totally not over it how the fuck did this happen’ kind of way. Y’know? *Starts breathing deeply and counting to ten.*
Ennnnn-eeeee-wayyyyy… despite all you cynical bastards thinking her acceptance was a mere publicity stunt and that there’d be more chance of Jet from Gladiators appearing at your house – but the way you remember her in her 'Hang Tough' heyday – with a large pizza and a Vienetta, with a look that says she's up for sharing, and saying “Hey, up to much?”, Mila was true to her word and only bloody went to the Marine Corps Ball on Friday.
Pros: Sergeant Scott Moore is clearly a bloke who gets things done. He sees what he wants, and he gets it. He's a bit like a master criminal in that sense. Except he uses YouTube to ask nicely, rather than breaking into bank vaults using lazer cutters and all that jazz. And he's stealing Mila Kunis' heart, rather than loads of money.
A video of him and all his double-hard Marine buddies saying "Everyone stop being racist or we're gonna lay it down" would be released on his first day, leaving players the world over smiling politely at each other like they're at a parent's evening.
Cons: He's American, so it'd be all "added time multi-ball" and "Loo-weese Swore-ez is two-for-two in the end zone". At least in a world of sweeping stereotyping, it would.
Hugh John Mungo Grant
For no reason other than that we've only just discovered that that's his full name and we're really enjoying saying it.
Pros: "Hugo John Mungo Grant - teeheehee."
Cons: Loads, probably. But... "Hugo John Mungo Grant - teeheehee".
Cheryl Cole's nice warm jumper
Bear with us on this one.
Remember when Cheryl Cole used to wear this nice warm jumper? This was a few years back, when Cheryl Cole was top of the charts (maybe, we can't remember), chuffed to bits to be with Ashley Cole (probably), smashing it on The X Factor (definitely, obviously we've never seen it but we've heard things), the nation's sweetheart (before anyone had even heard of Pippa Middleton), and was able to make us believe the science bullshit in shampoo adverts actually meant something. We won't delve into the minutiae of recent happenings for Chezza, but we reckon things took a turn for the worse when she contracted Malaria. And we all know that no one's ever contracted Malaria while sporting a lovely warm jumper, don't we?*
*No. No we do not. Please don't think for a second that a nice warm jumper will offer you protection from Malaria. It won't. But it will make you feel warm and fluffy and LOVELY. Unless you've got Malaria. In which case you'll feel like shit.
Pros: Lovely warm fluffiness.
Cons: Might be somewhat lacking in charisma, what with it being an inanimate object an' all.
Okay, so our leadership skills may have topped out when we captained our Tuesday night 5-a-side team because the guy that organises it was away and the other guy was late, and even then we may have given the goalie naff directions which meant he ended up six miles away meaning we lost 13-2, but we're still confident we could do a better job than Sepp Blatter.
Sepp Blatter's mouth is like watching '80s kid's favourite Trap Door on loop, except, instead of a generally harmless and amusing monster escaping every time it's opened, every time Sepp Blatter opens his mouth something fucking stupid comes out.
Pros: We're great, us.
Cons: The last time we had an intellectual pub chat about goal-line technology, one of us ended up with a black eye, HR had to be called and we were barred from The Crown for life. One of us choked on a Wotsit as well, but that was unrelated.
We saw him on Piers Morgan recently and he nearly (read: actually, just don't tell anyone) had us in tears a couple of times. Sure, he's had his troubles, but underneath it all we reckon he's a good egg.
Pros: Actually played football. Loves the game more than life itself. If he said anything stupid, he could just blame the barely comprehensible accent and pretend he'd said something else.
Cons: "Ay, Moaty, it's Gazza..."