The 23-man shortlist (sounds pretty long to us) for the FIFA Ballon d'Or was announced today. Unfortunately the annual competition to crown the greatest player in world football has become so stale and uninteresting that Paul Hollywood might describe it as a "bad bake". Lionel Messi will win. Cristiano Ronaldo will stand next to him and force the world's least convincing smile. One of Barcelona's other scuttling midfield pass-monkeys will come third.
So we want to know in the comments who you think would win if Messi and CR7 were never born.
We've drafted our own shorter shortlist, but if your pick isn't in our suggestions feel free to fume about it in the comments below.
P.S. We've omitted defenders and goalkeepers for the simple reason that, FIFA being the way it is, defenders and goalkeepers will never, ever win this competition. Sorry Philipp Lahm.
FHM'S 10-MAN BALLON D'OR SHORTLIST
Tireless Barcelona mastermind Xavi Hernandez
Slightly-more-attacking tireless Barcelona mastermind Andres Iniesta
Actual cannibal and hat-trick hero Luis Suarez
Dependable Dutch volley-whacker Robin Van Persie
More assists than a personal shopper Mesut Ozil
Imperious man mountain Zlatan Ibrahimovic
Bayern's jack-of-all-trades Thomas Muller
Lanky Polish goal-hound Robert Lewandowski
Expensive British export (non refunde, senor) Gareth Bale
He cuts in from the right, shoots with his left, iiiit's Arjen Robben
Words by Joe Mackertich. Follow him on Twitter here. He's dead funny.