Our Valentine's Day poll worked wonders. Around 500 of you got in touch with us, and the best stories and advice - or, at least, the ones we think are most interesting - are below. ENJOY.
What's the most effort you've ever put into wooing someone on Valentine's Day?
These people put in barely any effort whatsoever
“Set up a huge treasure-hunt trail all day (took weeks of planning) which ended with us having a good night :p “ (we're very jealous of guys who pull this off, but our orienteering skills are tremendously poor. Maybe someone could open a business to help people out with things like this?)
“I gave the girl in my local paper shop a queen of hearts playing card with my phone number on the back... Think she thought I was a bit creepy :/ “ (it sounds good, but this only works if you're in a film)
“spent £700 on return tickets to the US, and can't even remember how much spent while over there. Spent 5 days there for Vday. Got dumped a month later :( “ (*inhales through teeth, looks around the room awkwardly*)
“Walking 3 miles in shit weather carrying a bunch of flowers to deliver them to my girlfriend cause I couldn't be arsed to pay for delivery!” (PROTIP: Next time you tell that anecdote, leave off the end bit)
“dinner, beach, tent, fire, champagne, considerate love making “ (note “considerate,” as if he spends other lovemaking sessions on his phone or something)
“Phone a restaurant” (...and then?)
“i sold my ps2 so that i can take a special some 1 on the ldn eye “ (aw)
“Presented a home baked chocolate cake to my boyfriend while topless. (I'm female btw)” (Women take note – this is excellent)
“When I was in Afghanistan with my work, I managed to get time on the internet. I arranged a bottle of wine, engraved with my love for my wife, a heart, her name and the date with a little cupid on. a red leather, velvet lined box filled with chocolates, a silver picture frame, and undies. A massive box of flowers and a bottle, full of sand from Afghanistan with a hand written poem of love inside it (message in a bottle). She loved it and instantly forgave my 6 months away from home. “ (this guy wins. Would have been even better if he was in the army when it all happened, but hey ho)
What's the best experience you've ever had on Valentine's Day?
This one time we ate like ALL THE SWEETS
“I had sex” (received this one about a hundred times, so, you know, good work there and everything)
“Received a toast on a card” (were they out of plates, or what?)
“Being made a steak dinner, blowjob before and after. :)” (pfft, not during as well?)
“sex in every position” ('yep, all of them, we checked')
“Built a private den in my room at uni using bed sheets and anything to hand!” (LEGEND)
“me and the girlfriend at the time just took loads of xtc and shagged all nite” (reminds us of that time we drank a cup of coffee at quarter past ten then kept our girlfriend awake by talking until 1am)
“She wanted to do it 4 times, so i comply.” (fair! Plus the use of present tense adds urgency, which we like)
“6 hours of naked rumbling inside a mosquito net.” (weirdly terrifying image, this)
“An Ex-gf and I went hiking in Scotland on a beautiful brilliant V-Day and we watched the sun set while we were in a jacuzzi drinking champagne. Venison for dinner and the after dinner horizontal jog was awe-inspiring.” (never heard of them horizontal jogs, we'll have to ask the bloke at the gym about those next time we go)
“A couple of girls invited me over to dinner at their place. A wonderful time was had by all. I was late for work the next day since I had to go home the next morning to put on a suit and necktie.” (calling bullshit on this one, unless “a wonderful time was had by all” is just referring to a great game of canasta that they had)
“I watched Hot Fuzz and had a wank” (to be fair, that's a good night in)
What's the worst experience you've ever had on Valentine's Day?
'I'll swap you this big shiny heart for those beautiful gloves,' he said, but she wasn't listening and instead just rubbed her face with them
“I went to hers finishing work to cook tea for her arriving home and thought I'd wear a mankini to add to the mood. However, her mother decided to pop in on her way back from the shops to find me pretty much naked in the kitchen. Needless to say, it was pretty awkward.” (which “mood” were you adding to? One of general unease?)
“One valentines day I went to some birds house for dinner etc.... As the night went on we both got slightly tipsy and I spilt some wine down my trousers (Completely by accident I must add) My trousers were soaked and she didnt have a tumble dryer and so I suggested we put them in the oven to dry... You can imagine what happened next...My trousers caught fire... Absolute nightmare... “ (still, it gave you a good excuse to stay over, right?)
“all the ones where i have been forced into the mediocre socially accepted niceties, for me and my love everyday may as well be valentines” (ooh, hark at this guy)
“girlfriend baked me an awful cake” (did you have to eat the whole thing in front of her? (Crushing)
“my date jump on my face after her cheery broke it was horrendous.” (not entirely sure what's going on here, but it doesn't sound nice)
“I worked in a bar and watched all the smooching couples” (seems to be a common complaint – any useful advice, bar staff?)
“Woke up with some bird dressed as cupid! She was known as "The Fairy" for the rest of uni.” (you fool, that was Cupid in drag! You should have stolen his magic bow)
“A chick with braces and bad breath gave me a key chain with hearts on it and tried to kiss me yuck” (that's really not what you want at all is it)
“I had planned something very elaborate and special, only to have him tell me that he "doesn't 'do' V-Day" and he blew me off to go drinking” (he sounds like a dick, in your defence)
“Had my theory for driving test that afternoon so arranged to do something after. Got stuck in traffic on way back so tired rearranging to later. Girlfriend at time threw a strop, went out and slept with a guy on my football team at the time.” (if there was a prize for this sort of thing, you'd probably win)
“Awful date really not getting on and literally did a bunk out of toilet window.” (impressive!)
What's your advice for success on Valentine's Day?
A heart-shaped balloon and a denim jacket have worked wonders here
“love yourself on this day, even if you are alone” (valid, if depressing)
“If you have someone to share it with, make the most of it but if you haven't don't spend the day being miserable, go out with your mates nonetheless” (wise! Although, if they have someone to share it with, unwise)
“sexy underwear and lots of sex” (sexy!)
“Nod and agree with the girl. A LOT.” (like, all the time. Your head should never stop moving ideally)
“Anniversaries are much more important. That is YOUR day. Not a made up one randomly in the middle of February.”
“Cheesy chat up lines, A bottle of lambrini, Condoms from Poundland and Viagra if available” (why not splash out on some babysham and name-brand prophylactics? It's only one day a year after all)
“Not to think you're going to get bed time with the lady later on that day. She needs to feel that you're sincere and care for her. If she decides bed time, then fine. But it's up to her, don't plan on it!” (huge fan of the use of “bed time” in this tip)
“Keep it private, if you go anywhere public you can guarantee some schmuck will go all out will doves, fireworks and a marching band with the sole intention of making you look a dick date.” (what a prick, eh? Sage advice indeed, but she'll not have to look at the expensive food that the other diners are enjoying and then forlornly poke at the chicken you persuaded her to order)
“Ignore it. The next day's the 15 th, who celebrates that? Valentine's day is just a Hallmark holiday. Don't give the leeches a chance to exploit you.” (yeah, man! SMASH THE STATE!)
“be confident and be yourself. there's no point being false to impress. it wont get you anywhere. if you dont ask you'll never know” (true. Very true. Although if “yourself” is a horrible, boring person then you've got a whole different set of problems)
“Flowers is all that needs to be done to get by... no need for a fancy dinner or day out... if you just want to get by, flowers are the perfect gift (oh, and a vase to put them in if she doesn't have one!)” (remarkably smart – we've lost count of the times we've had to put flowers overbalancing in a pint mug)
“Write a little Valentine´s card, a little poem. Be original, think the poem out yourself not copy it from Shakespeare or someone else dead.” (yeah, at least pick Seamus Heaney, he's still breathing)
“Alcohol and Sherlock Holmes books” (again, not a bad night – although by the third scotch we often start remembering why we don't like Sherlock Holmes and end up just throwing the book at the wall and storming off)
“Find out if you missus actually gives a shit, then surprise her by making marginally more effort than she expects.” (genius!)
“do not go outside, turn on a tv or breathe” (do not follow this advice as it may be harmful)