Unlike naked flames and operating an industrial lathe, video games typically mix well with alcohol.
In fact, the only thing that could make them even slightly better would be if the characters were also off their lips on delicious booze. Imagine it - Crash Bandicoot whirlwinding bar stools everywhere, Solid Snake getting in a fistfight over a fruit machine. It’d be amazing.
Here are the five video game characters we reckon would make the bestest, booziest pub mates…
Nathan Drake from the Uncharted series
The guy's an anecdote machine. And not crap anecdotes like “I once had a trial for Leyton Orient.”
He’s a bloke that’s climbed the Himalayas, crash-landed a plane in the Rub' al Khali desert and even fought monster zombie things that used to be Nazis. He'd be a great drinking buddy because no matter how long you sat in the pub, the conversation would never turn stale.
John Marston from Red Dead Redemption
There are two reasons we want to go drinking with John Marston. Firstly, because when he gets drunk, it's hilarious. Take a look at this YouTube clip.
Look at his stupid, wobbly, pissed-up legs. Once he's had a few, he can't walk so much as a metre without losing his balance and toppling over like a shitfaced Jenga. That sight alone would be worth buying him a few rounds.
And secondly, he’s a gambling man. And, considering how much of a lightweight he is, you’d be guaranteed to win some cash off him in a drinking contest. All you'd need to do is buy him a couple of Babychams and you’re walking out of the pub £400 richer.
GlaDOS from Portal
Two words: quiz machine. Yes, GLaDOS is a malfunctioning, mass-murdering robot and yes, it might be difficult to assemble her 300ft high AI centre inside a Wetherspoon's, but if we could pull it off – and believe us, we’ve got nothing better to do – we could take the £20 jackpot out of Pub Quiz every time.
She has access to virtually every item of recorded knowledge in human history. If anyone's going to help you through the geography round, it's her.
Lara Croft from Tomb Raider
We know what you're thinking, but don't think that. This wouldn't be a date. This would be buying Lara a very hard-earned drink.
Have you played the new Tomb Raider? It's horrible. Lara spends the whole game being stabbed, shot and beaten like she's one of those dummies from Deadliest Warrior. By the end of it we were surprised she wasn’t just a severed head, dragging herself along by digging her teeth into the ground.
If anyone deserves a cold bevvie, it’s her. And who knows, if we’re nice, we might even be able to blag some free Lucozade.
Marcus Fenix from Gears of War
Have you seen what this guy looks like? He's got more muscles than six Dwayne Johnsons sellotaped together. Imagine pushing him into the pub, squeezing him and his enormous stupid armour on to a chair and ordering him something really twatty, like crème de menthe in a tiny Bailey's glass.
He'd look fucking ridiculous and it’d be great.
But, best of all, he’d have your back. We've never been in a bar brawl, primarily because we couldn't fight our way out of a cardigan, but Marcus could punch someone so hard their clothes would fall off. Nobody would ever steal your stool again.
Words by Edward Smith. Follow his gaming awesomeness on Twitter.