We'll be honest with you – we loathed Final Fantasy XIII. It was a non-game in our eyes, akin to Snakes and Ladders or Snap or shutting your cock in a desk drawer over and over – a really useless thing to spend time doing. And yet despite of this (perhaps because of this, in an effort to save face) Square Enix decided to release a direct sequel.
We weren't about to sink fifty hours of our life into a review, but our girlfriend was apparently fine with that – so we got her to play it instead, and busied ourself doing things that we cared about. We felt it would be fairer to the game, y'know? So, without further ado, the interview, done on Sunday night whilst she played the game and we waited for the roast to cook:
"RECAP"
FHM: Hi. So, tell us all about this awful game.
Stunt Girlfriend: It's not awful. Hang on, it's doing a recap, I'm going to turn it down.
This is Lightning. She's on all the posters, but not really in the game much it appears
SG: Well, it's the sequel to Final Fantasy XIII. I didn't really get on with the first one, because it was too linear. It felt like a DVD with complicated menu options rather than a game. It's not a terrible game, but it's not great either.
FHM: It was a terrible game. We think it was a terrible game.
SG: You're interviewing me. Your opinion doesn't matter.
FHM: Right, right. Sorry. Carry on. So it follows the story from FFXIII, then?
SG: I assume so, yes. I mean, I haven't actually bothered to look up the story from XIII, all the way to the end.
FHM: But they put a beginner's guide on the title menu. They went to all that trouble, and you just didn't bother.
SG: I can look at it now, if you'd like?
FHM: God no.
SG: Anyway, I got about fifty hours into the first game, waiting for it to become interesting, and it hadn't, so I stopped. Which I think is fair.
"NOT A BAD STORY, ACTUALLY"
This is Noel on the right, and the bloke on the left is going to kiss him hard on the mouth. Or something
FHM: Yeah. Talk to us about the plot of this one, then.
SG: So your main character is Serah, who in the last game started out being made entirely of crystal.
FHM: But she's better now.
SG: Yeah, she got better I think. It's not a bad story, actually. It's fairly engaging, plus the relationship between the two main male and female characters isn't romantic, which I like. 'Cause that would be a bit boring. Basically, you're trying to find your sister Lightning, who's in a place called Vahalla which is beyond space and time. Everyone thinks that she's part of a massive crystal pillar that keeps one world – Cocoon - supported above another, but she's not. I think.
FHM: And you're going through time portals to find her, is that right?
SG: Yup, through space and time – you can go into the Time Stream to unlock different areas. Some of them are the same area but at different times, or in a reality that you've created due to your actions, which is pretty sweet. You have to solve paradoxes in the areas, sort of cleaning up the time stream.
FHM: How come you can travel through time?
SG: A meteorite crashed into my village, and then this guy arrived to help me travel through time. What's his name? I should know that. It's Noel, I think.
FHM: That guy on-screen, with the big trousers?
SG: Yeah, him. He's come from where Lightning's currently trapped, and he's also the last human alive from the future.
FHM: What's the weapon he's using?
SG: He's got a sword with, um, a retractable sword in it.
"ITS NAME IS MOG"
Mog has a uniquely punchable face and body
FHM: What's that floating thing behind you?
SG: That's a moogle. Its name is Mog.
FHM: It keeps saying “Kupo.” Why is that? Can you kill it? What does it do?
SG: You can't kill it. It's helpful. It says “Kupo” because that's what moogles say. It's a Final Fantasy thing.
FHM: It's horrid. So what does it do?
SG: Well, it transforms into my weapon. It's a bow.
FHM: Also a sword.
SG: Yes, the bow transforms into a sword. Also the moogle can see through time. And you can throw it at stuff.
FHM: What, just in general? Can you hurt it?
SG: No, you throw it at distant treasure chests, and it collects them for you.
"A BIT LIKE POKÉMON"
This guy'll fuck you right up, take it from us
FHM: Useful. We also notice you have a giant chicken, there.
SG: It's a chocobo.
FHM: Gonna come out and say that it looks a lot like a giant chicken.
SG: Yes, well. It's one of the monsters that I have on my side. Sometimes, when you beat a monster, you get a version of it that you can put into your party, and it fights alongside Serah and Noel. It's actually a really good feature, and it makes playing the fighting sections a bit more involved – deciding which one you'll use at any given time, stuff like that.
FHM: A bit like Pokemon?
SG: Yeah, sure. Why not. Also, they have special attacks which use Quick-Time events to trigger, which mix up combat a bit.
FHM: Also it has a flower stuck on its head.
SG: Yes, you can stick a flower on its head, if you'd like, so I did. For a while it was wearing a stupid hat.
FHM: Good!
"FUCKTON"
Oh, also, there are Quick-Time sections called "Cinematic Actions" that give you benefits if you do them right, which actually works and makes the game a bit more fun
FHM: So, tell us more about those fighting sections.
SG: Well, as with all Final Fantasy games, you're more of a director than a controller of a certain character. I'm in charge of Serah, Noel, and a fuckton of monsters. Actually, hang on, this is quite a difficult fight. Give me a minute.
FHM: Also, don't mention the name of that monster at any time. I got an email from Square Enix this morning telling me that you can't talk about this particular monster because it's a spoiler. So don't describe it at all, either.
SG: Sure. So as you go through the fights, you choose what your characters will be doing, and how those interact – they take on roles, like Commando which does a lot of damage, or Medic which heals people, or Ravager which casts offensive spells, stuff like that. Then you pick six different groups of roles themed around different things – so, one that's defensive, one that's offensive, one that deals with monsters who are weak against certain types of magic, and so on. It's kinda fun.
This is rather a long section, so here's a picture of a throne or some shit to break it up
FHM: That monster we can't mention is knocking the shit out of you.
SG: Yeah. Sometimes you get fights that are really challenging, and they're interesting actually. It makes you think about different approaches to fighting that work with different enemies. You put together a strategy, and then do your best to make that work.
FHM: At the moment your strategy seems to revolve around that giant chicken.
SG: Yeah, I'm focusing on a fairly high-damage dealing-
FHM: Chicken.
SG: - party, which the chicken is part of. My giant chicken is one of the most elite murderers in the game. So far – I'm about twenty hours in – it's the absolute best thing I've found.
"NOT AS GOOD AS MY GIANT CHICKEN"
STOP SMOKING CAIUS WHAT WOULD YOUR MUM THINK
FHM: Okay, so now you're fighting penguins. The enemies in this game are weird.
SG: Yeah, they're robot penguins. With bat-wings.
FHM: They have tabards on. And a single eye. And a zip for a mouth. I can see why you'd want them to die.
SG: I've got one as a pet, actually.
FHM: Do you ever bring it out?
SG: No. It's not as good as my giant chicken.
"IT'S MORE ENGAGING, I GUESS"
This is one of the "goth monsters" mentioned below. It's unhappy
FHM: Let's imagine we didn't like FFXIII.
SG: You didn't like it.
FHM: No, we didn't. Would we like this game, though? Is it better?
SG: Well, it depends on which bit you didn't like.
FHM: We didn't like the bit between turning our console on and seeing the title screen, and the bit where we stopped playing. The rest of it was okay, though!
SG: It's more engaging, I guess. It's very open very early on. I'm doing optional stuff and side-quests quite early in the game, which was always one of my favourite things about Final Fantasy games. It's a decent RPG, on it's own merit – you've got interesting party dynamics going on, an interesting story (even though the storytelling is pretty heavy-handed), and you get to keep playing with the same party members, which makes you feel connected.
FHM: Plus, it doesn't have Vanille in it.
SG: No! Well, no, not yet. But that's a bit plus. I hated Vanille. The game is good - it's better than XII but obviously not as good as VII or IX - the one with the really big swords and bad graphics, and the one with the talking monkey. Those are classics.
FHM: The music in this game. We've noticed it. How would you describe it?
SG: Some of it doesn't suck.
FHM: Pretty sure we heard some death metal back there.
SG: Yeah, there's shitty death metal when you fight the goth enemies, ones with tentacles or screaming faces or things like that. Also, there's some J-Pop, which is pretty awful too.
"I DON'T DO THAT"
This is our girlfriend, by the way. Well. She's the girlfriend of one of the journalist who wrote this article, it's not like we share her, that'd be pretty grim
FHM: How much would you score it, out of ten?
SG: I don't do that.
FHM: Do it for us.
SG: No.
Final Fantasy XIII-2 is out on PS3 and Xbox 360 on February 3