So Mass Effect 3 came out last week, and the internet seems to be so angry that (in some places) it's catching fire on account of the controversial endings. We haven't played it all the way through yet – we're busy people, all right? - so we've been tentatively peeking at news stories and then hurriedly looking away if any spoilers are mentioned – much in the same manner you look at a pretty girl on a bus, really. We should just man up and ask her out, or in other words, finish the bloody game.
Max Payne 3 has “no loading screens”
Having thrown out the old-timey comic strip storytelling of the previous two titles, Max Payne 3 is instead using a series of “cinematic effects” and a “dynamic engine” to, well, to make it look a bit like a comic strip. Still, from the look of the trailer above which chats about how the game handles cinematics – with typical Rockstar balls-out panache - we're not complaining. We're so buzzed about this game that even writing this brief paragraph means we're going to have to take a cold shower RIGHT AFTER.
Dead or Alive 5 lets you punch people into oncoming traffic, and why not
After Street Fighter, Tekken and Soul Calibur comes Dead or Alive, a fighting game with plenty of technical nuance, a wide variety of fighting styles, and honking great jiggly wobblers. As a game that founded itself at least partly on the success of the eye-catching, if not entirely realistic motion of the female characters' breasts, the fifth instalment in the series seems to be toning down the undulating chesticle side of things and upping the outrageous violence; in this fight, two ladies knock the tar out of each other, fall off a building, destroy a rooftop, and use a speeding car as a weapon.
Skyrim gets more kill animations, rumours of an MMO
The kill animations on Skyrim don't work so good on the Xbox 360, and more often than not you're left stabbing uselessly at the air whilst a nearby wolf looks at you confused and then falls over stone dead. But when they work, we love 'em – and Bethesda have added them for ranged combat and magic, too, giving a much-needed punch to our Sneaky Wizard character.
Also, apparently, they're going to make an MMO – like World of Warcraft, you know? All we're certain of right now is that they're hiring a bunch of people with MMO expertise, and we're a little bit excited; the sprawling gameplay of the Elder Scrolls series might be just what we need to make us give a shit about playing RPGs online. We'll see.
Battleship is not only a film, but a computer game too – pretty sure this is one of those “signs of the Apocalypse” things
Somehow, someone, somewhere thought that making a big-budget film starring Liam Neeson, Brooklyn Decker and Rihanna based on popular old-fashioned board game Battleship was a good idea. And then – thanks to the majesty of cocaine – that film got made. Also made was a game which looks to be some sort of FPS in which you fight aliens; it's going to be terrible, of course. We just felt you ought to know that this sort of thing exists.
Bioshock Infinite has giant robot gorilla monsters in it
We loved the original Bioshock, and the upcoming sequel by weapons-grade genius Ken Levine is looking pretty neat too – you're tasked with fighting your way out of a giant floating city in turn-of-the-century America. In addition to the standard chumps and robotic patriot engines that are trying to slow you down, the Handymen – giant robots jam-packed with delicious human organs – will drop out of the sky and flat-out mess up your day. Are you excited? We're excited.
Battlefield 3 gets a new map with no tanks in
Are you still playing BF3? We dip in and out, occasionally, but our aim is getting rusty and those rockets keep missing their mark, leaving us as the tender mercy of giant enemy tanks. But the new Zima Tower map (part of the Close Quarters DLC, due out in June) is all very tight, very old-school combat with plenty of destructible terrain and hectic violence – so vehicles aren't a problem, but swarming enemy grunts with knives are. Time to break out the old shotgun again, we think.
Also this guy played Goldeneye 007 with a steering wheel
And he did it LIKE A BOSS.