Give it to me in a nutshell: Kinda-camp, kinda-badass Tactical Espionage Action games Metal Gear Solid 2, 3 and Peace Walker (that last one was on the PSP which explains why you might not have played it) tarted up and rereleased on current-gen consoles, looking all pretty and nestled together on one disc for easy play.

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Revolver Ocelot is a jerk in a silly hat, and you must fight him

It's a bit like X but with Y: It's a bit like Metal Gear Solid, really, but with improved graphics so everything looks eerily smooth. Although the cutscene length and boredom factor compares well to later Final Fantasy games.

If this game was a sandwich, it'd be: A supermarket three-pack doorstop discounted due to age; one corned beef, one egg salad, and one cheese and ham. You're probably sure that they're all fine, but they don't compare to a freshly-made Chicken and Bacon baguette from Greggs, right?

Metal Gear Solid HD screenshot
Disagreements between the "Y" and the "M" in the Village People tribute rehearsals had come to a head

If this game was a girl, it'd be: One wearing too much makeup – and is that a wig? It's maybe a wig, you think - that goes on a lot about topics that are neither relevant nor interesting, and insists on showing you videos on her phone that you don't really want to watch while she narrates.

Three awesome things about it:

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Ocelot didn't like the sound of a Two Fat Ladies reboot

1. The disc contains three massive, critically-acclaimed stealth games wrought by the very smart and perhaps overly-verbose Hideo Kojima – and two NES titles, from back before the PS1 breakthrough role for Mr Snake, too. If you've just lost your job and you've got nothing else on for the best part of a month and a half, you could do worse than this.

2. We were 15 when we played the first MGS title, and 19 when we had a bash at the second, so there's a healthy dose of nostalgia to be had from steering a spy around an area full of chaps who'll make that noise when they spot you.

3. We played our version on the Xbox 360, but if you wait around a while (until June, actually) you can get it on the Vita which makes a lot more sense. We'd be much more inclined to sit through the games if we could do it, say, on a boring tube ride without having to lug down our PS3, a TV, and a small petrol-driven generator so we can play it.

Three rubbish things about it:

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Four, if you count this loser 

1. The games haven't aged well. The controls are bit lumpy, and the gameplay itself is stilted and - at times - boring. Considering we've been spoiled on the top-notch stealth gameplay of Batman: Arkham City recently, in which we can spring from the shadows and knock out a chump using a single punch, hiding in some long grass for a minute or two and hoping some guards don't spot us so we don't have to trundle through the combat is less than ideal.

2.The cutscenes – oh God, the cutscenes. We did a test: from the minute you select “new game” on Metal Gear Solid 3, you're treated to scene-setting, archive footage, and drawn-out radio conversations lasting (we shit you not) 27 minutes before you get to control Snake. It's not an outlier – time and time again the game just goes the fuck on for far too long.

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This is part of a four-minute discussion about a single pistol, which we're sure is supposed to be funny but we're not fucking laughing, Hideo

3. We're hard-pressed to find a single character in any of the games we wouldn't calmly push down a large flight of stairs and watch silently as they fell. Sometimes one turns up and you think they might be all right, but then they go on about irrelevant movies or some shit for ten minutes at a time and it's STAIRS O'CLOCK AGAIN

Should I buy it? 

No!

Metal Gear Solid HD Collection is out now and has been since February, although really parts of it have been out for about eight years so you can't complain about being a month late