Kinect Star Wars puts you in direct control of a badass, lightsaber-wielding Jedi. That can only be described as a GOOD THING.
From what we've seen so far, there're three main forms of combat in this upcoming stand-up-wave-your-arms-around-and-save-the-galaxy-'em-up:
1. The aforementioned Jedi chap, with the aforementioned lightsaber and aforementioned badassness coupled with telekinetic Force powers activated by raising your left hand
2. A big monster called a Rancor that you jump up and down to control, the aim being to stomp noisly around a city and do as much damage as humanly (um, “Rancoraly?”) possible
3. Controlling space fighters by leaning back and forth like you're evading thrown dodgeballs
All told, not bad. But we reckon, as lifelong Star Wars fans, there's going to be a few bits of our favourite trilogy (and those other three films too, we guess) that just miss the cut, like the following:
'That's the last time I let a robot crack wise about my haircut,' muttered Steve the Jedi under his breath
Make lightsaber noises to add bonus damage to your melee attacks. How do you spell the noise that a lightsaber makes? It's tricky. WhuuuumWHUMwhumm comes close, but it's unnecessary – every person born in the last forty years knows how to make the noise, with varying degrees of quality.
Early builds of the game had “Lightsaber, activate!” or something as the trigger word, but to hell with that. We want to relive our school yard Jedi battles, complete with all the noises, but without the bit where the Design and Technology teacher comes over and gives us detention for waving an old plank around.
'Oh hey Mr Vader I got those biscuits you asked for, I hope bourbons are okay because they didn't have any custard creams, I'm sure tha-HHHHNNNNGGGGKKKK'
Force choke. “I find your lack of faith... disturbing,” we'd say, and extend our hand into the hair. The digitised officer on screen would look at us with fully-rendered fear in his eyes, and we'd gesture upwards an inch or two. He lifts off the ground.
With a pinch of your fingers, his virtual windpipe closes. He starts to choke as we kill him with the power of our mind. That'll teach him to mess with FHM. Hoo boy, will it.
Ewok kicking. Who doesn't hate Ewoks? Lunatics, that's who. In this mini-game that takes place after the liberation of Endor, you play as one of the cool characters (Han Solo, Lando Calrissian, Chewbacca) and take turns punting the hairy little fuckers as far as possible by winding up a kick and timing it to catch them just under the chin as they're smoked out of their flimsy hutches, or whatever it is that they live in.
Bonus points for knocking them into pits of boiling lava, impaling them on punji sticks, or feeding them to the sarlacc.
Mace Windu Mode. Replace all over (inferior) characters in the series with Mace Windu, played by Samuel L Jackson, and swing his trademark purple lightsaber (or “pimpsaber”, as we're calling it) into battle against the Imperial Scum.
Bonus points are offered for reading aloud famous Samuel L Jackson quotes lifted from other films, wedged into the trilogy by his sheer brilliance and barely, if at all, modified – stuff like “I with had it with these MOTHERFUCKING SITH on this MOTHERFUCKING ORBITAL SPACE STATION” and “Galactic Basic motherfucker, do you speak it?”
The John Williams Experience. Take on the role of legendary conductor John Williams, composer of all the music in the Star Wars films, and lead the action by humming music and waving your hands around as though you know what you're doing. Are Padme and Anakin engaging in a mumbled love-scene? You'd best hum something sentimental and tell your imaginary orchestra to play along, or it'll risk coming across as dangerously bland!
Darth Vader arriving? Whistle the Imperial March and look serious whilst moving your hands up and down, pointing meaningfully at the guys on drums! Battle scene? Glare intently at your string section and shake your hands around like a lunatic, nodding enthusiastically!
Kinect Star Wars will be released for Xbox 360 on April 3. Ewok and Darth Vader images copyright 20th Century Fox.