Mario hits a new low in this title, as he runs away from a mutilated raccoon and refuses to return the skin he's freshly stolen from it. Wait, what?
You'll take on the role of a skinless raccoon dog - or tanooki, as they're called in Japan - and bounce towards Mario on a blood-soaked landscape. In order to streamline the game and underline the furious plight of all tanookis (and not because this game is a godawful rush job or anything) all controls aside from a jump button have been removed. If you manage to catch Mario, you'll knock the shit out of him and nick your skin back. Sorted!
Doesn't skinning normally kill raccoons? Hey, we don't know for sure, we're not scientists
Mario can, of course, fly. This is because of that tanooki skin – you'll remember in older games, and in his latest title Super Mario 3D Land on the 3DS, he can change into a sort of raccoon onesie and gain moderate powers of flight. Clearly he gets these onesies by ripping the skin off still-living animals and then letting them bleed to death.
Raccoons can't fly, right? Right. Sure. Just wanted to make sure we had our facts straight.
Obviously this isn't an official Nintendo product, instead being produced by This Is Pop for chirpy reactionary animal rights group PETA, who we used to think were pretty cool for having naked ladies promote their products. But now they trot out this reheated turd of an attention grab, and we're feeling less sure about them.
We're struggling to imagine that PETA can still be taking themselves seriously, and aren't just pants-on-head lunatics sat in a fancy boardroom somewhere, spinning a massive wheel of popular culture and deciding to attack whatever game it lands on with incredibly spurious claims.
Well, this picture makes sense
“Hey!” one of them says, spilling his organic carrot juice down his shirt and standing up quickly, but unsteadily, from his computer. “This new Assassin's Creed game. The one that the wheel landed on yesterday. There's skunk oil bombs in it.”
“Is there?” says his associate, her mouth half-full of free-range tofu.
“Yes! Innocent skunks are having their bum glands unlawfully tampered with by a bearded Italian lothario! Let's make a game where you play the skunk trying to avoid his hideous probing fingers.”
“I like that! Yes! I like it! Let's call it, uh, Ezio Interferes with Skunk Bums. Get This is Pop on the line, we're on to a winner!”
And so on. There is literally nothing to like about this game. Nintendo aren't endorsing the skinning of raccoons any more than they're endorsing doing mushrooms, subjugating lizards, stamping on turtles until their shells pop off or abstaining from sex before marriage.1 Attempting to say they are with such a lazy piece of propaganda only weakens PETA's argument.
What do the FHM review scores mean?
Super Tanooki Skin 2D is available to play at PETA.org, but really, don't
1 But man, that plumber must have some blue balls by now