This week, we've:

- Played and finished cyberpunk dubstep extravaganza Syndicate in, ooh, about five hours (bit a of let-down really, still, we like the way that the agent holds his gun sideways when you run, that's a high-point)

- Got lost in the lovely Alan Wake's American Nightmare for Xbox Live

- Went to Hever Castle in Kent and played The Witcher 2 on Xbox 360, then slept in a room much nicer and in fact significanlty bigger than our flat

- Knocked through the entirety of Dear Esther in a single rapt playthrough, occasionally pausing to just look at the scenery, then stared moodily out of a window for a full twenty minutes

Anyway, here are the only videos that you need to watch RIGHT NOW.

Borderlands 2 made us giggle like schoolgirls

The only way this trailer for post-apocalyptic RPG/FPS Borderlands 2 could get any better is if it took us out for a date in a bright red convertible and stroked our hair before kissing us on the mouth like it was for the last time. For God's sake, watch it.

Mass Effect 3 encourages you to take earth back, we're in agreement with that

ME3 is out soon – oh, so soon – so why not get juiced up with this extended cut of the cinematic trailer? It features jumping, punching, a sniper and heavily-implied child death, which is what you want on a Friday afternoon, isn't it?

Spec Ops: The Line has a multiplayer mode, apparently

We'd not heard much about the most generic game in the world for a while now, but this latest trailer showing the various pre-order bonuses (including – gosh! - a gas mask, a silly hat, and a assault rifle) seems to show some detail on the multiplayer. The Officer class (unlocked earlier than usual with the pre-order, apparently) lets you buff your friends to make 'em tougher or hurtier, which we can support entirely. It's like a group hug, except with more dying.

Hitman Absolution deals out some information on Diana

It's been far too long since we piloted baldy sociopath Agent 47 around some open-ended murderfests, so we're excited for the release of Absolution this year. Maybe “excited” isn't the right phrase. “Hepped up” could work, maybe. “Buzzed.” The above video features a half-robot, half-human lady chatting about Diana, our boy 47's handler for the last umpteen years, who he's tasked with killing in the next game. Which seems like a bit of a silly idea, really, but sensible suggestions don't make for great drama we guess.

Fuck's sake Natalya, GET IN THE ROOM

We'll come clean with you – we got our copy of Goldeneye 007 second-hand, so we never had to endure the sadistic mess that was Control. Or Natalya's steadfast refusal to do anything correctly, and instead shuffle uselessly around the building like a broken Roomba. We just skipped the level and went on to the next one because the previous bloke had already completed it. This guy had to endure it, though so he's recreated the entire thing in live-action footage complete with plenty of swearing. We're okay with that.


Date a Gamer
Why are these women angry? Why is the man sacred? Why are they holding Wii controllers? MYSTERY.

Hey, you wanna date a gamer? Sure you do! We're not bad, really, once you get past the sores from sitting on the sofa all day and our general ineptitude in real-life situations coupled with an ingrained need for instant gratification at all times.

Okay, well, maybe we are that bad. But if you wanted to – say – meet a gamer to play with them (if you know what we mean, oo err missus, lawks etc), then new website is the place to do it.

Except, well, it doesn't appear to have many gamers on it at all. There's one girl in who's wearing a Zelda costume in her picture, which is fine, but it seems to be mostly made up of 50-something single mums that can't take a good picture of themselves.

Bet they'd be shit at FIFA.